Deaf

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, these lovely boys don’t belong to
me. I don’t own anything except the plot….that’s about
it. *looks away*

Warnings: This is a YAOI
ficcie. All flames will be eaten by Hiei.style='mso-tab-count:1'>

~*~*~*~

When this began

I had nothing to say

And I’d get lost in the nothingness inside of mestyle='mso-special-character:line-break'>

I was confused

And I let it all out to find

That I’m not the only person with these things in mindstyle='mso-special-character:line-break'>

Inside of me

But all the vacancy the worlds revealed

Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to class=GramE>feel

~Linkin Park

~*~*~*~

They think I don’t cry. They think
it’s impossible for someone so cold to cry. They think For Forbidden Child
cannot cry, for he has no emotion to do so. They are wrong. Very
wrong. I shed my tears at day. I shed them at night. They fall even when
I command them not to. Sometimes my cursed tears break though my eyes before I
realize it. Look, they are falling now. From the tree top, it seems like it is
raining diamonds. But they are actually the black gems that the Forbidden cry.
At least, it’s supposed to be like that. The tiny droplets of water have never
crystallized before, and I doubt they will ever. I can never cry a class=SpellE>hiruseki because I am cursed. Even with the greatest lover
imaginable at my side, I am still cursed.

I nearly
laughed. Greatest lover? How ironic. I was lucky
enough to catch the clever eye of the famous Youko thief, and have his
once-frozen heart melt within. He said my heart would do the same, but it
hasn’t. I can still feel the sharp ice around it, biting and pulling my soul
apart until it finally succeeds in ripping it in shreds. I am only lucky enough
to bed him, nothing more. We had been together for a whole year, and it was
nothing more.

And I
I
still came back to him. I appeared at his window and the beautiful ningen
greeted me with open arms. I found myself staring past him and looking at the
wall. What would he think of right now? Would he plan out how to make love to
me? Or is he thinking what it would be like to rip into my small body, laughing
as I cry in pain and shed gem-less tears? A part of me wished it was the
latter. Another wished for the first. Personally, I could have cared less. As
long as I could have Kurama at my side, it was enough.

But I found
a deep desire within me that was wishing for something different. I wondered –
what would it be like if the kitsune really did
love me? What if he had been telling the truth for the past year, and not lying
when he spoke the words ‘ai shiteru?’
What would life feel like if I had the love I desired returned with love, and
not lust for my Forbidden body…?

How I wish I had love in my world.
It’s hard to go without it for over three-hundred years. Three-hundred
cold, hateful years of killing and betrayal. Those were the only events
that happened in my pitiful life. Sometimes I wished I had died on my way down
to the bottom of the Makai fland and had done everyone a favor. ‘But you
survived for a reason,’ Kurama once said to me long ago. ‘If Fate didn’t want
you here, then you wouldn’t be here at all. But you lived anyway. You lived
because you had a life’s purpose. So you searched for it, as did I.’
He gave a smile and leaned down to kiss me. ‘And we found it….’

Did I, Kurama? Did I fiy
py
purpose in this world? Did I set myself to find someone who could love me and
hold me protectively like my mother would have done? Or did you pull me away
from that purpose and forced me to walk down the wrong path and land into your
bitter and heartless embrace, laughing at my vulnerability and weakness? I
hoped that someone did accept the Child of the Forbidden, but Fate loved to
mock my hopes. So here I sat, wrapped in the fox’s arms once again, waiting for
the hellish nightmares of screaming voices to occupy my mind and bring me to
the brink of my sanity….

And they came. The voices….they
were after me again….so damn many, and all deceiving. None were true and
faithful, bright and flawless. All cold and bitter. class=GramE>All lying and betraying. All eating at my
flesh….except one. There was one that was truthful, but I couldn’t find
it. I wanted to find it so the voices would go away, but I couldn’t. I want
them to go away so badly….

I could only guess which one was
right. So I touched a voice, ever so lightly, and saw snow. Hills
of and and mountains of ice. Everything was cold, but I couldn’t feel
it. The Forbidden cannot feel the cold. Especially when that
cold is from his homeland.

It was my
mother. The one who raised me in her womb. The one who
cried a crystal tear before I fell. The one who fell in love
with the father if the Forbidden. I only had a small visio her her
beautiful face locked away, but the details became clearer this time. She was
indeed attractive; I could see where Yukina’s beauty came from. She was
screaming, kicking, crying, with a free hand outstretched towards the edge of
the Floating City,
pleading for her son’s life while she was taken away. And there I wasclass=GramE>, wrapped in a bundle with Forbidden wards over me, and held
up by my dear mother’s friend, her best friend, the one she trusted with all
her heart. She placed a brilliant blue gem in my hand, shone a sad smile….and I
fell – fell for ages until I reached the bottom that never seemed to end. My
mother screamed in agony once I was dropped, and the other women dragged her away
from the edge. Another bundle went the other way; the one with my twin sister,
away so she could not see our mother’s death.

mal> 

But I saw
it. Something I never believed to see happened in front of my eyes. There she
was, my beautiful mother, tied down and thrown on the icy floor. It looked like
she was praying secretly, but I could not tell for what. Was she praying for
her life to be spared? Or for her newborn daughter to be
safe?body to survive the impact from the
mile-long fall?

My ears
suddenly began working and I heard her gentle voice utter whispers and chants.
She was praying for me, only me, no one else, just.…me.
Praying for the Forbidden.

style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>“Let my child find what the true meaning of
love is, and may he experience the power of it like I did. I love you my son,
through this life and the next.”

Then it
came, the sharp blade of ice sliced down her neck and splattered her icy blood
everywhere, including my cloak. Her perfectly combed hair became tangled and
splattered with red liquid, and her head, my sweet mother’s head; it rolled
away from her body, rolled and rolled and stopped at my feet, staring up at me
with lifeless eyes that haunted me to this day. I would have heard her
glass-shattering scream of death, but I couldn’t, because I was deaf. I
couldn’t hear her, I couldn’t hear my sister’s wails on the side, I couldn’t
hear my mother’s dead body fall limp on the floor, but I heard me – I heard my
being fall and fall and crash on the ground below, a mile below, and my Forbidden
body being mocked at the Gods above. Everyone was laughing except my loving
sister, and my mother, and even my father, who gave me my Forbidden blood; he
was crying for the loss of his dear one….his loved one….he loved her. The Fire
fell in love with the Ice. The Maiden fell in love with the Human.

Did tox fox fall in love with the
Dragon?

~*~*~*~

Nothing to lose

Just stuck – hollow and alone

And the fault is my own

And the fault
is my own

~*~*~*~

I leapt
onto the tree branch and pushed the window open. Kurama never seemed to lock
it. I began to believe that he still wouldn’t even if there was a blood-thirsty
demon on the loose in the neighborhood. As long as I was safe in his room….

I almost
jumped back out of the window. What was I thinking? ‘Safe?’ How foolish. I
could easily imagine his hands tossing my carcass into the forest and leaving
it for the flies. And then he would move on, so much like the Youko inside him,
and play with another, and another, and another after that….

class=GramE>“Hiei? Love, is everything alright?”

My mind
snapped out of its daydreaming and into the present. Kurama had his hands over
my scarred ones and kissed my cheek, eyes scanning my body for injuries. He
gave a sigh in relief once he knew I was safe. There it was again….my safety.

“I’m fine,” I repliedkingking out
the window. He shone a smile and touched my cheek with his gentle hand. I
flinched and immediately regretted my action when I saw the smile disappear.
But like always, it came back with the same happy feeling.

“Would you like some sweet snow,
Hiei?”

This was one thing that always
caught my attention. I nodded and watched the kitsune leave his room and arrive
a few minutes later, a bowl in his hand. He handed it to me and I almost
smirked to see the mint chocolate chip cookie dough dessert covered in caramel
and topped with a ruby red cherry. He began to babble on about pointless things
like his mother and his ningen skool thing. I barely
paid attention to the words that flowed out of his pretty mouth, and stared out
the window, wondering why I always came back, why I always stopped myself from-

“Hiei?
You’re unusually quiet tonight….”

“class=SpellE>Hn.” I placed the bowl on the windowsill, avoiding
my kitsune’s gaze. “I’m not hungry.”

 <
<

“Oh?” he replied, sitting next to
me. His arms wrapped around my slender build with his face nuzzling my neck
beneath the scarf. “Mind telling me why…?”

How would I say it then, my
beautiful fox? How would I put it to you that I don’t believe everything you to to me? That I hear you telling me lies every day? class=GramE>Lies that you don’t love me? Lies that make me lie to class=GramE>myself….

I can’t. I can’t lie to you, even
though to lie to me. So I kissed you, hard and fierce, silencing you and your
foolish questions. I swept you to your bed and took your frail ningen body to
the highest point of bliss one could imagine of experiencing. You gasped as I
touched you with hot caresses and whispered “Ai shiteru,
ai shiteru,” over and over
again, never tiring of letting those words fall from your lips. Is this the
only way n han have you, Kurama? Is sex the only way I can have you by my side?
Is that it? Damn your kindness and Youko charm….I wished I didn’t love you so
fucking much….I wish I never laid eyes upon your gorgeous face….I wish I was
dead….

~*~*~*~

I want to heal

I want to feel

What I thought was never real

I want to let go of the pain I’ve felt so longstyle='mso-special-character:line-break'>

Erase all the pain till it’s gone

I want to heal

I want to feel

Like I’m close to something real

I want to find something I’ve wanted all along style='mso-special-character:line-break'>

Somewhere I belong

~*~*~*~

I still remember when we got
together. It was after Yusuke had defeated us and we were in Reikai prison. We
both had many wards on our bodies, and you almost died from it. I hoped you
would die; the wards sucked your human life energy quickly, but you didn’t. You
waited for the right moment, and you got it all right. You got it damn well,
and stole my heart doing so.

~~~~flashback~~~~

I found myself falling asleep while
standing in Koenma’s office. He hadn’t spoken for ten minutes, and it wasn’t
working well with my temper. Finally, he set down that god-forsaken stamp of
his and looked at Kurama and I.

“I brought you here to discuss your
terms. Right now, Yusuke is off ningning for a while, so you’ll have to work as
my Tantei until he gets back.”

I noticed that he pointed his
finger at Kurama during his speech.

“Kurama, since you’re living under
the Ningen life, you are free to go once I clear your file. Afterwards, you may
resume living in the Ningenkai unless I summon you for an assignment. Got
that?”

The redhead nodded. class=GramE>“Hai, Koenma-sama.”

“Good.” And after that, he went
back to stamping.

We didn’t move from our spots. We
stood there, waiting for his voice to speak out my terms, but it didn’t.

“Excuse me, Koenma-sama,” Kurama
spoke up. “But what about Hiei?”

“Hm?” the
toddler asked, looking up from his paperwork. “Oh, he will be executed in two
days.”

“NANI?!”
Kurama brought his fists down on Koenma’s desk, sending papers flying everywhere.
I gasped and stepped back at the unexpected assault. I’ve never seen Kurama
like this….what would make him do that?

“You can’t do that, Koenma!” he
cried out at the prince. “You promised you wouldn’t-“

“I never promised to anything of
the sort,” he replied in a calm tone. “I simply said that you would serve the
same sentence together as long as needed. I believe that Hiei is not needed as
a Spirit Detective for the Reikai, and the only other punishment acceptable for
his crimes is death.”

Kurama’s hands were shaking. I
wanted to speak, so I moved my mouth. But I couldn’t hear my own words. I could
only hear Kurama’s.

“Then I shall be executed with
him.”

“Baka kitsune!”
I spun Kurama around and grabbed his collar. “You can’t just die so suddenly!
You offered your life to that bitch of a mother of yours, and now you’re doing
the same for me?! Once you’re in this, no one will be able to save you like
ltimetime, Kurama. There’s no backing out.”

“I realize my risk, Hiei,” he
snapped at me. “And I’m not giving anyone the satisfaction of injustice. I’m
going to be executed with you.”

I saw my hands turn a ghostly
white. “You’re mad….”

He winked at me. “Yeah, but that’s
half the fun.”

~~~~end~~~~

Yes, that’s how it happened one
year ago. We were going to be executed and sent to Hell, but instead we were
spared and ended up serving as Yusuke’s lackeys. I realized it was impossible
to live without you, so I stayed with you, confessed my love to you, and here
we were. But now that I think about it, I began to realize that you didn’t love
me. I was only your bitch in bed, using my Forbidden body for your pleasures
until you threw me out and searched for someone better. But I stayed anyway,
because I loved you. I loved you so much, and I couldn’t have you. I can have
no one. There is no one. I am alone….alone and cold….and that’s the only way it
can be as long as the voices occupy my head….

~*~*~*~

And now I realize you never heard

One goddamned word I ever said

Losing a whole year

You touch everything with a velvet glove

And now you want to try a life of Sin

You want to be down with the down and in

Always copping with my truths

I kind of get the feeling like I’m being used

~Third Eye Blind

~*~*~*~