Deaf

Deaf

By mocha

~*~*~*~

I want to heal

I want to feel

What I thought was never real

I want to let go of the pain I’ve felt so longstyle='mso-special-character:line-break'>

Erase all the pain till it’s gone

~*~*~*~

Forbidden
Child, Forbidden Child, Forbidden Child, Forbidden Child, Forbidden Child….

“Leave me!” I screamed at no one,
running through the Makai. I stumbled on a branch and fell onto the leafy
ground, shuddering as the sounds grew louder. I felt my soul shatter, my mind
crack, my will to breathe gradually drift away until
the insanity became too much….

Breathing hard, I observed my
surroundings and saw no one nearby. My hand reached for my katana and pulled it
out of its sheath, reflecting the light once out of the scabbard. My body shook
at the thought of leaving this world forever, but the shudder was of
excitement, not fear. I found myself grinning a crazed
smile as the sword moved towards my heart. The tip poked the fabric of my
shirt, ever so lightly, and my grin grew even wider. I can finally go to Hell,
where I belong. I can leave my body behind, my memories behind, and not care
for anything in this world. Yes….I can the the blood rushing out of my chest.
I can taste it drip out of my mouth. I can smell it leak from my wrists. Just a
little more….I’m almost dead….

“Hiei, no!!”

The sword was ripped from my hands
and I fell to the ground with red blood all over my clothes. I coughed some of
the liquid up and saw Kurama hovering over me, a broken look in his deep,
emerald eyes. His hands shook, making him drop my katana.

“Hiei….why?
Why wasn’t I enough?”

I chuckled, not even feeling a wave
of pain in my severed chest. “Why wasn’t Youko Kurama enough, you ask? Why
didn’t the Forbidden Child fall in love with the Youko like the others did? Why
did the Forbidden Child fall for him anyway and realize that the Youko didn’t
love him back? Why does the world hate the Forbidden Child so much? class=GramE>Because he was never supposed to be here. He was never
supposed to be born, but he was anyway. But now the Forbidden Child is going to
do what he should have done three hundred years ago, and the world won’t hate
him. And now, Youko Kurama can rejoice for disposing another one of his whores
and can go out to get more. No, my beautiful fox, nothing is enough these days.
So what’s the point in living is you can’t get what you want? I wanted love, I
wanted to love, but did I get it? Of
course not, because I am Forbidden. I’m a goddamned fucking bastard that’s
shunned from everyone. So I’ll kill myself since no one else wants to, and
maybe I’ll get some peace in Hell. How does that sound, my precious fox? Was
that enough?”

He could only stare at me with wide
eyes at my reaction. His red-haired head shook as he reached out to me, trying
to hug my bleeding form.

“Hiei….why would you think that?
Why would you think that we hate you?” His hands touched my cloak and became
stained with blood. “Why would you think I don’t love you?”

I hissed and slapped his hands
away, trying to get to my sword, but a group of vines wrapped around my wrists
and held me in front of the kitsune, immobile and helpless like a child. His
hands were now at my face, smearing red blood all over my cheeks.

“Are you saying that all of the
past year was a joke? Are you saying I was only using you, using your body and
using your soul? I can’t believe you doubted me, Hiei, and it hurts to know
that. It hurts to know that you only heard my truths as lies.”

I gasped as he touched my Jagan
with a single finger and pressed foreword. I screamed at him, tried to move my
head away, but his finger pushed itself inside the Evil Eye and drew black
blood from it. Dots appeared in my vision as I fell unconscious in Kurama’s
arms, and I waited for the haunting voices to tear at me again.

~*~*~*~

I want to heal

I want to feel

Like I’m close to something real

I want to find something I’ve wanted all along

Somewhere I belong

~*~*~*~

I felt them around me. They carved
mercilessly into my flesh and drank my blood. They tore my veins apart and
shattered my bones. I screamed at them, told them to go away, to leave me in
peace, but they came back with harder force than before and never tired from
ripping me into broken pieces. I fell in the cold embrace that they pulled me
into, surrendering my body in hopes of finally being able to let go, to finally
be able to get rid of the crying voices. But I couldn’t. For
I could hear it.

“Hiei….”

It was my fox. He was here,
somewhere in the abyss of haunting voices. I tore myself out and ran towards
the sound, weaving between the others. But my beautiful kitsune’s voice began
to fade to the point of silence. I ran blindly, using my ears to find the
voice, but I couldn’t because I was deaf.

“Hiei….”

There….there he is. class=GramE>My wonderful Youko, my beautiful fox, standing in a meadow with
open arms. I sprinted into his soft and warm hug, sighing as he returned
the gesture. His hands tilted my head up and he kissed me, hot and wet, with a
loving passion buried beneath. My arms wrapped around his neck enthusiastically
as I joined in the kiss, moaning with delight when the feeling of a strange
emotion called love overwhelmed mever ver had it felt so strong between us
before, and never had I felt this way. Kurama lied us down in the wet grass,
still kissing me, and whispered my name.

“Hiei….”

I opened my mouth to speak his name
in return, but I couldn’t hear it. It was becoming harder to hear my fox mutter
my name through our breathless kisses. Fear gripped me – what if I couldn’t
hear him at all? What if I became completely deaf and could no longerr
Kr
Kurama say ‘I love you?’ It would be like he didn’t love me at all….

I broke the kiss. “Fox….I can
barely hear you….”

“It’s okay,” he whispered back. “Why
bother listening if you doubt the one you love?”

My eyes widened – he knew. He knew
what I was thinking, just like that damned mother of his, and he even knew he
was going to die. The dagger tore into his back, ripping layer after layer of
smooth flesh and staining his perfectly white shirt. I gasped as my hands
gripped the knife and pulled it out of my kitsune’s back. I shoved his lifeless
body to the side and saw the meadow bleed away and turn into a wasteland. But
the once-beautiful meadow sank away and I appeared in Kurama’s room. He held a
bowl of my favorite sweet snow out, trying to place it in my hands to no
success.

“Please, Hiei, you need to eat. I can see your ribs for Inari’s sake!”

“I told you, I’m fine! I don’t need anything!”

“Love, I’m worried about you! Don’t think I haven’t seen you awake all
night before. What’s wrong? Did something happen? Why can’t you tell me?”

“There’s nothing wrong, okay! I’m just having trouble sleeping.”

“Hiei….”

I remember this. Kurama tried to
make me eat, but I had lost my appetite long before. Just the feeling of him
not loving me truly was sickening to my stomach. I had tried my best to stay
awake every night to prevent the dreams of voices, but I always fell into the
abyss of sleep. And now that I think about it, Kurama stopped eating too, like
what Shiori said, because he was worried….about me.

Kurama’s room became no more, and
now I was with my sister Yukina, watching her boil a kettle of water and make
tea. She set a cup in my hands and smiled brightly when I sipped the warm liquid.

“So how has Kurama been doing lately?” she asked me nicely, setting
a bowl of rice on the table.

“….Fine.”

“It’s so great that you two have been together for nearly a year now.
I’ve never seen Kurama so happy before.”

“style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>Yeah….sure.”

“class=SpellE>Oniisanstyle='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>? Is something wrong?”

“style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'>No….yes.style='mso-bidi-font-style:normal'> How do you know if Kuwabara loves you?”

“Hiei, I thought you could already tell if someone loved you!”

“Yes, but what if it was all a lie? What if all you
could hear were lies and could do nothing about it?”

“Brother, why would you think that? Haven’t you looked into Kurama’s eyes
recently?”

No….I haven’t.
I’ve been scared. Scared to Hell to find out that he didn’t
care for me. Didn’t love me. When was the last
time I’ve actually looked into his golden-green gaze? I don’t remember….has it
been that long?

It must have been. Now it’s nearly
impossible to create the image of his pretty face in my mind. But that didn’t
matter, but he was dead. I saw it with my own eyes.

We were battling a powerful demon.
Yusuke and Kuwabara were having trouble dodging the attacks the enemy gave us.
Kurama and I blurred around the demon, waiting for an opening to attack, but he
rebounded on us and thrust his large hand clean through my kitsune’s stomach.
Kurama’s eyes opened incredibly wide and coughed up a great amount of blood
over the demon’s hand. Then his frail human body was carelessly flung towards a
tree, where he collided with a sickening crack and fell to the Makai floor.

Out of rage, Yusuke blew the
criminal away with a simple Rei-Gun, but I took no
notice. I ran to my fox and covered my mouth at the gruesome scene. His body
was entirely covered in his blood and there was a gaping hole where his abdomen
should have been. More blood dripped from his chin and slid from his mouth, and
his eyes, heauteautiful forest-green eyes were limply closed and a deathly
blue. My hands shook as I touched his immobile body, shaking his shoulder and
calling his name. But I got no reply.

Yusuke came up behind me and
winched at the sight. “Oh god, Hiei….I’m so sorry….”

“Sorry? Sorry? Kurama isn’t moving and that’s all you can say? No, no, no,
Yusuthatthat’s not how it’s going to be. He’s still alive and I know it damn
well; he’s still alive and breathing fine.”

“He was just pulverized in the
stomach!” he cried out to me. “He’s lost all his blood and you still think he’s
alive? I told you I was sorry, Hiei, but there’s nothing we can do! Kurama’s
dead!”

“No he’s not!!” I screamed back,
holding my fox’s cold form protectively against my chest. “He’s not dead! He’d
never die! He’d never leave me alone! Go away! Get the fuck away!!”

“Hiei!”

“DAMN YOU!!” I stood up and took
the body with me, hiruseki flying everywhere. “LEAVE
ME ALONE!! DAMN YOU!!!”

I sped away, leaving the two
ningens alone. My arms grasped onto Kurama tighter, swearing to myself that I
would never let go. I landed on a tree branch and chuckled, petting my fox’s
hair back into the neat form it always stayed in.

“What idiotic fools, thinking
you’re gone,” I said to him, de-tangling the crimson locks of hair. “But they
don’t know you’re still here and still well. What fools, what fools….don’t you
agree, my pretty fox?”

I laughed again when his blue lips
didn’t move, but I already knew the answer. I leaned forward and kissed him
softly, warming his cold form with my body heat. This was wonderful – to be
alone without the Ningenkai or Reikai to care about, just us with no one else
to tear us apart.

I had to wrap his stomach in new
bandages daily, but that didn’t bother me. I had to rub his smooth skin with a
Makai lotion to prevent it from decaying. I washed his ningen form and fed him
food to keep him healthy. I even stripped our clothes off and made love near a
river. He didn’t speak but I could tell he loved me with such intensity that he
would never leave me. My beautiful kitsune would never leave me alone. He said
that himself when we first kissed, when we first shared his bed, that I would
never be alone and I would always be loved, no matter what difficulties life
gave us. Always and forever….that’s what he said. He would always love me….as I
would love him back….

“I promise you, Hiei, that you will never have
to face another day under the title of the Forbidden. I will always be here for
you, even if Fate tore us apart; even if the strongest storm blew us away, I
would still be at your side. I love you. I love you!”

That’s what he said. I remember
hearing that. I remember saying that I would always love him back as well, no
matter what. Even if I was deaf, I would still hear him speak in his gentle
voice ‘I love you.’ I love you.

This was the insane life I lived.
But now, the voices shattered and broke, falling beneath me and disappearing
forever. I could only hear my fox’s voice calling out to me with a hand to
hold. I took his hand and he pulled me out of the dream, waking me into the
real world and the real voices. And here I was, wrapped in Kurama’s naked
embrace to see that the Sun hadn’t risen yet through his window, and I sighed
to see that nothing had changed. It was still tomorrow, it was still the same
night, and I loved Kuramad I d I knew he loved me back.

I was finally free….

~*~*~*~

Heh, sorry if that was confusing.
Later on I’ll explain what happened to those who are totally lost right now.
Yeah. Review?

~mocha