Ball Gazers

Why isn't crack on the list of warnings?! Ah well, the fic goes on. I suppose this is a birthday present to my friend, the Fvnl< 1Vlo^k3E... 2... since it was her birthday yesterday and that's when I finished it. Technically, it was 5am today but let's not argue real-time battle tactics.
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It was that e-mail. That website. Those damn Americans!

What the hell was wrong with them that they couldn't just admit that they were gay anyway, huh? They had to make up silly little games to get their ya-yas out because they wanted to cling to their blue-balling morals. They all knew in their hearts they just wanted to grab the nearest guy or girl and scissor or butt pirate or whatever the hell homo-ningen did. They should just tell each other so instead of wondering if the other thought the same. Hola? Ever heard of Winkte, Kathoey, Ancient Greece, Buddhist monks... Hell, most of the world has allowed such 'abnormality' since forever.

America... plays Ball Gazer.

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One nice spring day, a fine student of Sarayashiki Chugaku was reading his e-mails after school. Among them he received, as usual, a mail from his long-time friend from the States who had just learned of a favorite American frat boy pastime called Ball Gazer. And oh, he went into great detail, regalling him of all the fun he'd had with the game since he'd learned of it, all the rules he knew, the secret hand shapes and punishments.

An hour later the kid was hanging out with his friends, whom he told about it and they all tried it out. It was a grand ol' time to be sure.

The original game section of the message and the time spent with his friends was swiftly blogged, linked, and e-mailed to the entire male portion of the Sarayashiki student body.

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It had been like that for the past couple of weeks. The two boys would suddenly throw down, yelling back and forth about who was the bigger homo. It was a wonder they had any energy left especially after the times Keiko caught and walloped them.

Boton arrived, in her typically-suspicious-but-never-caught fashion, at the rooftop of the school. Yusuke was skipping class again and secretely hoping Keiko would come after him. As if everyone he knew but her hadn't figured out if was the perfect lure to play grabby hands. She kicked him in the ass to wake him up.

"What the hell...?!?" Yusuke jumped up looking around, about to pound someone's face in. Upon seeing his shinigami informant he just snorted his cute little rebellious pouty snort and flopped back down. "So, Koenma's got some other half-baked mess he wants me to clean up, ee?"

"Nice to see you," she giggled and opened the Reikai Tantei case.

When the short film was over the detective got up and started pushing random buttons anywhere he could find them on the case. "How do you get this damn thing to call Diaper Genie?"

"Hey! Stop that... mou," grumbled and did what was necessary, a picture of the small god stamping away coming to the screen.

"Look you, I'll do this thing on one condition." He waited for Koenma to look up. "You start training another detective to take some of the slack from me."

A small hand went to a small chin, rubbing it thoughtfully. "Mm, mmm, mm..." Koenma was nodding, his eyes tightly closed. And then, his hand fell, his eyes opened, and he looked at Jorge. "I've decided."

They all looked on anxiously.

"Since I can't decide, I'll have both blueberry and banana crepes for lunch."

They all fell to the ground.

"I'm gonna come through this screen and wring your neck, you..."

"Yusuke. If people like you were just lying around for me to do that, I'd be happy to."

"Hai, hai. Just had to ask. Ja na, Pacifier Breath!"

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The sound of wicked laughter and angry screaming drew Kuwabara's attention from an open window. Yeah, he was definitely gonna try to escape home without being seen by Urameshi.

Kuwabara the Man had never been all that lucky. He'd also never been able to hide from Urameshi for long when there was a mission to bust... or balls, whichever. Kuwabara was filled in on the detail, given a few punches here and there, gave some back, and off they went to collect the rest of their team. That is, after informing Keiko and Shizuru.

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So, there they were, rolling down the sidewalk in a cloud of dust toward Kurama's house. They were early but their rolling wasn't even moving at a walking pace so Kurama was easily catching up, already within view and dumbfounded by what he could hear of the argument.

So they ditched school early to take the train to Meio? Any excuse was a good excuse.

The redhead ran up to break up the fight before anyone heard them, dragging them off inside by the ear. He pushed them into seats on the couch and fixed them with a stearn look.

"What was that all about," he demanded.

"We were just about to figure out who is gayer," Yusuke was already preparing for another attack, "if you hadn't interrupted up."

"Can't you be more mature?"

"Ya know, Kurama always has been really girly. Maybe it's him, not us," Kuwabara exclaimed.

"Yeah! Just look at this!" In all his ninjya-like glory Yusuke whipped out his hand in perfect Ball Gazer form, thumb and pointer in a circle with the other three fingers fanned out after them, and held it up to Kurama's crotch. Kuwabara couldn't have seen it coming, he just wasn't that bright, but the frown on his face said he saw the punch coming after he heard Yusuke yell, "Booru Geizaa!"

Kurama blinked. He almost felt scandalized for a moment until he remembered he was a kitsune who had played much worse tricks on people. "What was that?"

"Just a game. Anyway, we're supposed to go on some hair-brained mission, no biggie. Know where Hiei's at?"

"He said something about going to Genkai-shihan's place to train on the grounds for a week or two. It was only a couple days ago so we'll have to go get him."

"At least it's on the way. Let's go, Kuwa..."

"Booru Geizaa," Kuwabara yelled with his crotch eye level to Yusuke when he turned around.

"Why you," the detective was growling and rolling up his sleeves.

"Relax Urameshi, Kurama's still gayer than you!"

"That's probably true," Kurama laughed softly. He wrote a note for his mother and worked on pushing them out the door.

Yusuke grinned sarcastically. "Don't worry, man, we'll still be your friends!" And with that, they were off.

They arrived at the temple grounds an hour later. It didn't help that the two idiots couldn't stop playing their game and had slowed them down whenever they'd had to walk. They sat inside squabbling and talking to Genkai while Kurama fetched Hiei.

It wasn't hard to find him, the kitsune just had to listen and he knew what general direction to go in. He hurried and took a seat under a tree until Hiei decided he was finished enough to acknowledge his presence. Only a few minutes passed before the little youkai stopped and walked toward the relaxing redhead.

"Did you come to train or to ask me to go on a mission?"

"Mission," Kurama replied, standing up to head back, though he walked slowly. "I'm glad you're in a good mood today. They're being extra stupid today." When Hiei just snorted he continued. "They've come up with some sort of game. I think I've figured out all the rules, of which there are few, but it doesn't really make sense. The goal seems to be to get the other people to look at your groin where you make a specific hand shape and if they do you get to punch them. I think they only like it because it's an excuse to beat each other up."

"Baka."

"I agree. I thought I should warn you."

By the end of their conversation they'd arrived and Kurama was pushing the door open. What they failed to notice during their conversation was the two idiots inside had been waiting by the door for their arrival. As soon as it swung open it revealed a very stupidly grinning Yusuke with his hand at his crotch, moving it in circles to draw attention. Unfortunately for Hiei's battle trained eyes, they were drawn right in.

"BOORU GEIZAA!" Yusuke went to punch Hiei in the arm but he flitted inside, already knowing what was coming thanks to Kurama. "Kuso, come back here and take your punishment!"

Kuwabara was rolling on the floor in a fit of laughter. Everyone stepped over him on the way to the couches, pouring themselves some tea. The detective knew when to give up when it came to the Jaganshi. Sure he could probably catch up but the whole point of the game was to catch them off guard. Kuwabara finally managed to collect himself and took his own seat on the same couch as Yusuke, opposite of Kurama and Hiei.

"Oi, maybe Hiei's they gayest one of us," Kuwabara suggested after calming himself. Now, Kuwabara the Man wasn't stupid enough to display his junk to the youkai, afraid to get cut up into little pieces, but he was stupid enough to bring his private matters into the open.

"He is always so secretive." Yusuke seemed to study Hiei thoughtfully, rubbing his chin and squinting his eyes.

"Don't break anything detective."

"Where does he go at night? Does he really sleep in trees," Kuwabara piped up.

"Maybe he has boyfriends all over the place where he can spend the night."

"He did look at your crotch earlier!"

"Yes, and I'm sure I've seen a lot more balls than either of you," Hiei said, rolling his eyes.

Kurama was trying to hide his laughter while the other two, missing the subtle insult, looked at each other warily.

"Ano... should we be worried that you and Kurama had similar answers?" Kuwabara was almost afraid to ask.

"Be careful what you say, baka. Kurama and I might start mating on the floor in front of you."

"EEEE???" Kuwabara squealed.

It was like dominoes after that. Yusuke sprayed his mouthful of tea in front of him which Hiei swiftly dodged with a satisfied smirk. Kurama was laughing as hard as he could, no longer able to contain it. And Kuwabara had curled into a fetal position trying not to imagine anything. Yusuke couldn't help but laugh at the scene.

They finally managed to calm down and were finally discussing the mission. It was really too simple so it shouldn't have taken long but Yusuke and Kuwabara were back to taunting each other. It wasn't as though there was a time limit to the mission but if not for the numbskulls' antics they could've enjoyed some extra tea and peace. The two were really trying Kurama and Hiei's patience.

When the gangly redhead returned from his leak and the detective returned with more tea they didn't notice the conversation the two youkai had just been having. It wasn't long before the mission talks were interrupted once again with fighting.

The youkai looked at each other and nodded; it was time. While Kuwabara and Yusuke were distracted, Kurama whipped his pants and boxers down. Before his garments even hit the ground, Hiei flew forward and sliced just barely through all of the material covering Yusuke and Kuwabara's groins, then returning to his original position and swiftly dropping his own pants to the floor.

The two boys stopped mid-sentence as they felt the draft. They looked down, horrified, and then to the two youkai who were grinning madly.

"BOORU GEIZAA," Kurama accused, pointing at the two and Hiei actually started laughing.

"Oi, those aren't the rules," Kuwabara protested.

"Does it seem like we care, baka?"

If only they'd paid more attention to the conversation they'd almost walked in on.

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Kurama had already formed a plan in his devious little kitsune head to stop this Ball Gazer nonsense and the smaller youkai could see it gleaming in his eyes.

"What are you thinking?" The little youkai asked.

The cruel smile that spread across Kurama's lips sent shivers up Hiei's back, an answering smile following.

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And so, they never played Ball Gazer again. For months afterward, if Hiei was around and Kuwabara or Yusuke said anything even resembling Ball Gazer, he cut their pants off. Although, he was know to mishear Kuwabara.