Winter Days and Winter Nightmares

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho in any form.

Originally done for 30_ways a livejournal community

It was snowing again. Yusuke hated the snow. The snowfall brought back memories, and not the pleasant kind of playing in the snow as a child. More recently a deeper, darker memory overshadowed everything good that he remembered. If he could, Yusuke would destroy the fragile beauty that was created by such an event. The memory was of the demise of his mate, or rather his would-be-mate, at the hands of his twin. Yusuke’s guilt was deep and penetrating; he knew that Hiei would still be alive if only he hadn’t told him to tell Yukina of their familial bond. It had been a decade, and still the memory was as clear as though it occurred only yesterday. He had woken up when he heard a piercing scream, but by the time that he had left the room, his beloved was already dead. He saw Yukina holding a dagger made of ice and his only thought was to kill her. Her scorning words burned into his brain. ‘Finally I have cleansed myself of the taint that you left on my family.’ She never even noticed that Yusuke was there until he shot his spirit gun. Once he had made sure that Yukina was dead did he cradle his lover in his arms, and that was where Kurama had found him. The memory made him ache once more.

Hiei could only watch Yusuke as the memories took hold. It wasn’t Yusuke’s fault that he had died, almost twenty years to the day in fact. He had decided to tell Yukina about him being her brother. He was the one that caused Yusuke’s heartbreak. He ruined everything that he touched; it was obvious that he would ruin Yusuke in the end. Hiei dug his clawed fingers into the palms of his hands so hard that if he were still alive the blood would flow. Every year since his death Yusuke followed a ritual, returning to the spot of his death for a week, three days before the anniversary, the day of his death and then the three days after. For that week Yusuke would refuse to eat and would drink only enough water to keep him alive. He spent the nights sleeping next to where Hiei had died. Hiei had thought it foolish and had tried to tell him so, but gave up when it became obvious that Yusuke couldn’t hear him. Because of all the guilt that Hiei was feeling over Yusuke’s own guilt, the fire apparition couldn’t rest in peace.

Yusuke wanted to feel Hiei against him once more, his hand moving to Hiei’s katana. He liked to think of Hiei having left a fragment of himself in the blade, seeing how he meticulously cared for the sword, how he fixed the blade every time that it snapped in battle. He had sat beside his lover a number of times as Hiei worked on the blade, his abilities as a fire apparition helping him a lot, as it enabled him to heat the metal precisely to the temperature required. One day he had even allowed Yusuke to help, much to Yusuke’s surprise. That day was the start of their relationship. Yusuke was mending the one piece of the sword, when he accidentally touched the hot blade with his finger, and remembered how Hiei had sucked his finger, easing the pain slightly. He then cupped Hiei’s face, leaning forward and kissed the shocked apparition when he had removed his finger. The rest, as they say, was history.

Yusuke pulled the sword from its scabbard and looked at it in the light, fingering the ‘scar’ on the perfect surface. Hiei had never reworked the metal on that area since he had, leaving the reminder that it was the beginning of something important in Hiei’s life, not to mention a reminder that Yusuke’s metalwork needed a lot of work to be desired. Yusuke winced as the blade cut his finger, the crimson blood staining the blade, however rather than pain, it was just shock. The pain had been replaced by the feeling of… relief, relief that some of the guilt that had been building up over 20 years seemed to be released when he cut his finger.

Hiei could only watch in horror when he watched Yusuke, seem to enjoy the release of his own blood, and the look intensified when he helplessly watched as Yusuke removed his jacket, baring his arms. He knew what was going to happen, that Yusuke would harm himself in punishment for something that he couldn’t prevent. As if on cue Yusuke ran the blade over his arm, thick red blood ran forth, pooling at his feet. Hiei knew that humans could lose a pint of blood before they suffered from blood loss, however Yusuke wasn’t a human any more. He could empty his body and live, albeit hibernating for a very long time to allow his body to recover. However it wasn’t the fact that Yusuke was letting himself bleed that worried Hiei, it was the fact that he knew that Yusuke liked the feeling, and would likely do it again in the future.

Yusuke ripped part of his shirt off and pressed it against the wound when he started to feel light headed, and walked through to the bedroom. ‘Well I have joined the self-depreciation group.’ He thought to himself, almost disgusted for having done the deed, and yet pleased that he had. He was mixed up, his mind haywire. While he was at school, he used to scorn the kids that harmed themselves for one reason or another as being weak, and yet when he cut himself it felt surprisingly good. He knew that he could kill himself and the power felt good. He was in control of that aspect of his life. A few moments later and he removed the rag from his arm, the wound having disappeared. Idly he wondered if Hiei had ever cut himself before he leaned back on the bed, he never even noticed his eyes closing as he fell asleep.

Only when Hiei was sure that Yusuke was sleeping did he leave for Reikai. He had a huge favour to ask off of Koenma, one that was likely to be refused. When he got to the castle-like gateway into the underworld, he took a deep breath. Strictly speaking he should have never been able to leave his spot in Makai, however he was bound to Yusuke, a person, and not a place like so many other restless spirits. Entering the gate, he could see the ogres running around, doing Koenma’s errands, and it didn’t take him long to find the toddler-sized demigod. However having guessed that Hiei would visit, and what he would ask, Koenma had the relevant materials ready. “Shut up and sit down.” Koenma said as he continued to stamp the papers. “I have already spoken to Dad, and he says that you can have a single day. From dawn tomorrow, to dawn the following day, however you have to fill out the forms required. It basically says that you agree that on the day that you are to return, that you will go with the guide that collects you without any fuss, or tantrums. Failing that and you are doomed to an eternity in limbo.” Hiei stiffened, and Koenma laughed. “Aw, come on, you’ve spent so long with Yusuke and you still don’t know what’s a joke and what isn’t? The papers are just a formality, saying that you will gain a solid body for 24 hours upon the dawn of tomorrow, and it will dissipate after the 24 hours are up.” Stubbornly Hiei read the papers and signed where necessary, most of the pile was copies of the same document, but he signed them anyway, knowing that they were there for a reason. Once Koenma looked over them, he nodded. “They look in order. Please go back to Makai, as the time left is so short. I shall see you when the time is over.” Hiei nodded and returned back to Yusuke, just as the light of dawn hit the east-facing room, bathing it in the bright light of dawn.

It took a moment for Hiei to get used to being in a corporeal body once more, before he gave a small smile. He looked just as he had the day Yukina killed him, just without the fatal injury that caused his death. Quickly he moved to the bed, and saw Yusuke sleeping soundly. He looked so peaceful, not like the man he had watched a few hours before. Hiei sat on the bed and took one of the cool hands in his own, running some of his energy through into the other’s body, encouraging the healing to happen quicker, and the speed of regeneration seemed to waken Yusuke somewhat. Hiei waited with baited breath, as Yusuke seemed to try to waken, and yet wanted to continue to sleep.

Yusuke could smell a familiar scent in the air, an exotic scent like a very sweet cinnamon, a spicy scent that belonged to only one person, the one that he was mourning. ‘Maybe I’m dead.’ He idly thought. ‘I’m dead and Hiei has come to take me to Koenma to be judged.’ However there was no sensation of leaving his body, just the feeling of energy passing into his body, calling him to waken to its owner. He wanted to, just that he also wanted to sleep. The former won, and his eyes cracked open to the brightness of the room, and a familiar apparition sitting beside him. Surely this couldn’t be a dream, but to make sure he reached up, and hesitantly touched the face of the fire apparition. “Hiei, you were dead! I double and triple checked!” He threw himself into Hiei’s arms, making Hiei wrap his arms around Yusuke, smiling at the Toushin.

Gently Hiei pushed Yusuke back. “I’ve been allowed to come back for 24 hours to be with you.” Hiei said as he guided Yusuke back down and lay beside him. “You do remember that you cut yourself yesterday? I saw that, I watched your every action for the last 20 years.” Yusuke’s eyes went wide. “I am bound to you, my beloved Toushin, and no amount of ‘Hiei get your ass away from Makai’ can prise me away.” He licked a nipple, bringing a pleasurable shiver from the Toushin. “You have no idea how much I have missed seeing you tremble when I cause you pleasure. You never took another to your bed, I knew that Toushins were loyal to their partners, but I thought that in 20 years you would have taken another.” Yusuke shook his head.

“I could have, but I would never have been able to give them what they needed. What would have been the point? They would always lose out to the memory of the only person that ever held my heart. They would have left me.” He buried his face in Hiei’s hair. The silky strands brushing his face, a comfort that he never thought that he would ever experience again. Hiei smiled at the slight moans of his love, he could already smell Yusuke’s arousal, and wanted, no needed, to sate his desires. Kissing Yusuke, his hand found the zipper and button holding his pants in place and a moment later he had removed them, chucking them over his shoulder. His gaze turned back to Yusuke’s erection. He smiled, he had so many things that he wanted to do to Yusuke, and so many things that he desired in turn. However the first thing was to sate his body’s strong desire for the taste of Yusuke’s essence, however before he could start, he felt Yusuke guide his head up again, and his eyes met Yusuke’s. “I want to taste you too.” Yusuke said, his chocolate eyes meeting Hiei’s ruby gaze. “Please, Hiei, I have to.”

“Who am I to resist such a plea?” Hiei said with a slight hint of humour in his voice. He removed his clothing, seeing Yusuke’s appreciative gaze roam over his muscled frame. “See something that you like, Detective?” Hiei asked as he stroked Yusuke’s throbbing cock. “I know that I do.” For a moment he crawled up Yusuke’s body, allowing their cocks to brush against each other’s. “I am sure that waiting 20 years has had its perks.” The friction of their cocks touching brought moans from the two demons. Aching for more, Hiei changed positions and offered Yusuke his painfully hard member, and he took Yusuke’s in his mouth, moaning around the length when he felt Yusuke’s hot mouth catch the head of his penis and strong hands pulling his hips down. They had both needed the touches for 20 years, and only realised how much the other truly meant once they had to survive without them. However now it was a race, as their lovemaking always had been, both wanting to sate and be sated. As usual, Yusuke was the first and at the first sign, Hiei quickly pulled his cock out of Yusuke’s mouth, knowing what would happen if he didn’t.

Yusuke gave a harsh cry as he felt his body explode, his seed filling his lover’s mouth and throat, Hiei greedily drinking it down as though it was the drink of the gods. Yusuke panted to get his breath back, and as he did, he felt a finger probing his entrance, slowly pressing through the ring of muscle, seeking his pleasure spot, making him moan when the probing finger hit the right spot, then the finger was removed, and then it returned with its next door neighbour. Again the fingers assaulted his spot, making Yusuke growl. “Hiei, move your ass, or I’ll do it for you.” He said, knowing that Hiei was awaiting that little order, erection waiting close to his entrance, and a moment later he got what he wanted. Hiei pushed into the welcoming depths, the tightness reminiscent of their first time together, it was a very happy time for them both. He paused for a moment, needing to regain control over his body before he pulled back, ready to set up a quick pace, much to Yusuke’s delight. Yusuke knew that Hiei intended on pounding him through the bed if he was given half a chance, a chance that Yusuke was willing to give the apparition. Spreading his legs wider, he knew that it was an invitation that Hiei would never be able to refuse.

Seeing Yusuke’s legs part further, Hiei knew that his lover wanted more, and he quickened the thrusts, needing to hear Yusuke’s cries of passion. The cries soon fell from Yusuke’s lips, and that was without Yusuke’s sweet spot being touched every time. However that soon changed, as Hiei wanted Yusuke to come when he did, and redoubled his efforts to that aim, his hand curling around Yusuke’s neglected, weeping cock, and changed the angle of his thrusts, nailing Yusuke’s sweet spot every thrust, Yusuke making delicious obscenities every time Hiei brushed against his prostate. It didn’t take long for Yusuke to screech out Hiei’s name as he came for the second time that day, with Hiei following soon after.

Yusuke gathered Hiei into his arms, holding him close as he kissed his apparition. Just feeling Hiei in his arms once more was like magic in itself. It felt so good to breathe in his scent, to feel a solid body lying over his, a hot mouth kissing his. He knew that he couldn’t live without Hiei, not since he had a taste of what he had missed. Hiei could only sigh as he dozed off; he loved the way that Yusuke held him, never complaining that he was heavy or anything. Hiei had never known any kind of love before Yusuke became part of his life. The first time that he had been introduced to the concept he scoffed at the weakness, and yet it was Yusuke’s love for his friend, Keiko, and a lot of luck that gave him the ability to defeat Hiei over a century before. It was love and grief that brought out his potential when he fought Younger Toguro. Hiei had experienced the same emotions when Sensui killed Yusuke before his very eyes, he always swore that it was anger that he wasn’t the one to kill Yusuke, which boosted him up to A-class then, but he couldn’t lie to himself. He knew that it was grief stronger than he had ever felt, grief and regret that he had never told Yusuke his feelings before. The same thing happened when Yusuke became a demon, his power was boosted because of love, a powerful feeling he was sure anyone would see.

Yusuke watched Hiei’s face as the apparition took a trip down memory lane, his face always showed his emotions then. Gently Yusuke rolled Hiei so he was on his back and Yusuke above him. He vowed that he would make Hiei remember the most pleasant of memories. Starting from the neck, Yusuke kissed and licked every inch of flesh that he could reach. He knew that it teased Hiei, but that was when Hiei was at his best, after all that was why Yusuke teased him so.


The hours flew in quickly, and before either of them knew what the time was, they saw the moon rise high in the sky. They knew that dawn would happen in a few hours. Hiei gripped Yusuke’s arm. “Let us watch the dawn together.” He said, as he brushed a tear from Yusuke’s cheek, when the Toushin realised that they would only have a few more hours together before they would be parted once more. They had dressed once they realised their asses had enough of being fucked, and had spent the rest of the time talking. “Please, Yusuke, I want to be with you as long as I can.” Yusuke could only nod through his tears, pulling Hiei into a tight hug. How could he tell Hiei that he planned on joining him in the afterlife soon? He refused to even think about trying to live without Hiei there beside him now. To lose your love once was painful, for them to be brought back to life and lose them a second time… Yusuke would rather die than have to go through the grief again.

Hiei could feel Yusuke tense in his arms, and knew that there was something that Yusuke was refusing to tell him, yet he refused to press the Toushin. He hoped that Yusuke would be able to let go of him this time. He pulled out of Yusuke’s arms to change positions, Hiei knew that Yusuke was hurting, and needed time in his own mind to work out the pain and anguish, to try to cope before the event occurred. ‘I can’t ask him to give up his life to be with me.’ Hiei thought. ‘That would be selfish, and Yusuke still has a chance that out there is a person that he will love as much as he loved me, or maybe even more than me.’ The pair sat in silence, neither wanting to voice their thoughts to the other, each thinking that he was the selfish partner; Yusuke for thinking about his bruised heart, and Hiei for wanting Yusuke to be with him. Suddenly Hiei spoke. “Yusuke, I will love you come what may. I only want you to be happy.” Again Yusuke nodded, unwilling to say anything. “Do what you think is right. Forget about me being here.”

“That’s the problem, Hiei, I can’t.” Yusuke said so quietly that Hiei almost missed it. “I cannot forget that I love you. I don’t even know how I was able to survive so long without you before. I want to be with you, and only you. I want to be with you eternally, if that means giving up my life in the Makai and Ningenkai so be it.” Hiei stared at Yusuke for a moment. Yusuke had been thinking along the same lines as he had. “You’re probably thinking that I’m selfish, and I probably am, but I must be with you. I have to be, be it you being alive, or me having to die.” Suddenly Yusuke heard some movement in the room and looked over his shoulder seeing Koenma standing there. “It isn’t dawn yet!” He cried tightening his hold on Hiei. “I have him until dawn!”

“Calm down, Yusuke, I’m not here to take him away yet.” Koenma said as he sat next to Yusuke and Hiei. “In fact I’m here for you just now.” The god touched Yusuke’s shoulder. “Nothing is black and white, right or wrong, everything is grey and only somebody’s perspective makes it what it is.” Koenma took a deep breath. “I may not be able to bring Hiei back to life, but I can bring you to him. You have worked for me so long, and you never asked anything of me in return. Therefore if it is your wish, I can give you this.” He waited patiently. He had never thought that the pair thought and cared so deeply about each other, at first it seemed to be sex, but only when he looked deeper did he see the love. Both were so good at hiding their emotions normally, one under a cold exterior and the other under jokes, that it was difficult to see their true emotions.

Yusuke looked at Hiei, Koenma would be able to bring then together forever. However he wanted to know Hiei’s feelings. Hiei seeing Yusuke’s hesitance decided that he had to be told straight. “Look, Yusuke, it is your choice. You’re the one that has to decide whether to go through with this or not. I cannot choose which way you go for this.” Yusuke nodded, remaining silent for a moment longer.

“Yes, Koenma.” Was all Yusuke said at first “I would rather spend an eternity in his arms than an eternity waiting for death to occur.” Koenma motioned for Yusuke to stand up. “I’m ready for whenever you are.” However Hiei tugged his arm. “What is it Hiei?” Yusuke asked as he faced his love.

“What about Kurama? Doesn’t he deserve to know why you are doing what you are?” Hiei asked as he dragged Yusuke to the writing table. He pulled out paper and a pen and set them in front of Yusuke. Sighing, Yusuke picked up the pen and started to write. Once he was finished, he set the pen down and approached Koenma, leaving Hiei alone with the note, and he put his own little note at the bottom before drying the ink and folding the paper over. He then made his way over to the others where he was intent on watching what Koenma would do to bring Yusuke’s soul out of his body.

“Yusuke, just relax. It isn’t painful at all, you will feel a tickle and then nothing more from your corporeal body.” Koenma said as he placed his hand on Yusuke’s forehead, covering the chakra area, and readied some of his energy. “Errant soul, come home.” He said as his spirit energy sliced the connection between Yusuke’s soul and his body, releasing the spirit from the flesh. The body crumpled to the floor while Yusuke still stood. “All done.” Koenma said as he pulled back. Yusuke looked down and gave a surprised yelp when he saw his body lying on the floor, much to Hiei’s amusement.

“I’ll get used to being bodiless, I guess.” He said looking at Hiei, who was still laughing. “Great, I have a boyfriend who finds my death amusing.” He looked to Koenma, who burst out laughing too. “Now a god of death is laughing. This is some day.”

“Koenma, can you end our contract early?” Hiei asked. “There is no point in me being alive when the reason I came back is dead.” A moment later and he was no longer in a solid body. He looked at Yusuke, and threw himself into his arms.

“I’ll leave you both alone.” Koenma said as he disappeared back to Reikai.


Kurama walked through the door, and instantly caught the scent of blood, Yusuke’s blood and ran through to the bedroom, where he saw quite a big pool of it, and on further inspection of the room he found Yusuke’s dead body. “Why? Why did you have to do this to yourself? You still had a future ahead of you!” Kurama said as he tried to shake Yusuke back to life. “You idiot!”

Looking around the room he saw a sheet of folded paper on the stand and walked over to it. ‘His suicide note, probably.’ Kurama thought as he picked it up and read the contents.


Kurama

I know that you will be surprised, or maybe not, when you see this note. Just to let you know I DIDN’T kill myself. Koenma did the honours for me. Yesterday Hiei was allowed 24 hours to spend with me and it made me realise that I can’t live without him. I can survive, but not live. Yesterday was the wonderfullest (is that a word?) day that I ever had. Please do not think badly of yourself as a friend. You were there for me when nobody else was, and I cannot thank you enough.

Yusuke


Kurama stared at the note. Yusuke must have been delusional. Hiei had been dead 20 years. There was no chance that he was alive, until he looked down the page and saw another note, in Hiei’s distinctive handwriting.

Fox

Looks like I’ve beaten you again. This is getting to be a habit.

Thank you for looking after him for me.

Hiei


Kurama sat on the bed, the note falling from his fingers. That damned fire apparition, and he was sure that he had been close to having Yusuke himself. He then saw a flash of light out of the out of the corner of his eye and facing it he saw Yusuke and Hiei as he remembered them over 20 years ago. Arms around each other, a cheeky grin on Yusuke’s face and a small, knowing smile on Hiei’s and then the vision was gone.


Once Kurama had gotten over the shock, he decided that he needed answers and taking the note he disappeared to the Reikai to get them from Koenma. It took a moment before he found the demigod and slammed the note down in front of him. “How could you do it Koenma? You knew that I wanted his ass!” Koenma looked at Kurama and gave a slight smile of his own.

“Yes, I knew that you wanted Yusuke, however I wanted you, my delightful kitsune.” Koenma said, and before Kurama had time to react to the demigod’s small speech, Koenma grabbed Kurama and dragged him over the table kissing the kitsune on the lips.

Kurama just stared at Koenma and touched his lips. ‘What in all of the Makai happened?’ He wondered, and shrugging he went in for another kiss, crawling across the table to get to Koenma, stripping as he went.

In a darkened corner of the room, two figures watched the actions of the demigod and his kitsune and smirked. “Do you think that they got as much pleasure from watching us as we’re getting from watching them?” One asked the other.

“I don’t know, maybe you should…” A moan is heard. “If they felt that then they deserve all they get Hiei!”