Won't Cry

I won't cry.

The funeral is over, and I couldn't be more glad for it. Wasn't much to it, since there wasn't a body to bury or ashes to scatter. Just a little stone to gather around. Four little words were written on it. "The One We Loved," it said. It might have said, "The One Most of Us Loved, (all except for Hiei)." Yes, I think the detective would have liked to have done that, but it wouldn't look so nice.

I didn't cry.

Yuusuke hated me for breaking your heart. It seems so long ago that I didn't say all the things I should have. The day you cast me out and I didn't stay with you, argue with you, or explain to you what I was doing. I wanted to protect you; to keep you safe from my enemies, safe from realizing what I was. I wanted to force you down and make you understand it was better for you, but I didn't.

I wouldn't cry.

Now I'm walking away from that little stone with your name on it. Over my shoulder is the one thing you said should be mine. The only thing you left behind, left to me in honor of our brief relationship. I walk against the wind, and your favorite coat billows just the way you would have liked it to. It waves like a blood soaked banner in honor of a warrior fallen... As I walk, I am unsure whether my inheritance represents your forgiveness or your revenge on me.

I couldn't cry.

Now I think of all the things that were, though I wish I wouldn't. I think of your bravado, of your tenacity and passion for life. I think of how you looked while you rested contentedly in my arms, while you writhed in ecstasy and how you looked when I walked away. I remember the silence that replaced our bickering, and how I missed you whispering in my ear at night. I remember thinking of going back to you, giving in to you, and claiming you as my own. I remember being handed your coat and knowing suddenly, memories were all I was going to have.

I wasn’t there to cry.

I wasn’t there when you died. I wasn’t there when you sacrificed your self for your friends, using your blade through your own body to reach your enemy. I wasn’t there, so Yuusuke held you, as your life sputtered out onto this ragged white cloth. I wasn’t where I should have been; by your side to save you from your own pride and honor. Not there to hold you and confess I had been wrong and you were right. I wasn’t there to realize I would never be able to prove how I felt for you. I didn’t make it in time, to kiss you good-bye.

I want to cry.

All that time, I knew you would be the one who could teach me. I would’ve learned how to say what that feeling was as I watched you sleep. I would have known what to say when you were hurt to heal you. You could have taught me how to laugh often and loud, and how to describe my need to shield you from pain. You could have made me understand that I could love and be loved.

And if I had learned these things of loving you, I would have known how to cry when you were gone. I knew you would leave before me, but I didn’t think it would be so soon. I couldn’t cry by that little stone, and I can’t when I look at this blood stained jacket. My chest should heave with choking sobs, as I try to expel the pain and cold left by your death. Now, the cold just makes another frozen layer over this icy heart of mine, and my eyes are as dry as sand.

I wish I could cry for you…