~Once Burned~

I'd like to apologize in advance for this. I don't know what got into me....Please don't hurt me as I show you why certain things should never be written, even when they're meant to be funny.


Kurama is sitting on his bed, bawling his eyes out. Hiei hops in through the window.

"Hn." Translation: "What the hell are you crying about?"

Kurama looks up, and immediately gets Doe Eyes of Doom. "Hiei my love! You've returned to me! I was so miserable without you, I thought I would perish!"

"Hn." Translation: "Good Gods, and they say *I'm* a drama queen!"

Kurama stands and throws himself on the fire demon. "Now that you're here, lets make mad, passionate love and ignore every law of physics there is with all our positions!"

"Hn...." Translation: "Sorry, Kurama, I can't do that. I'm too insecure and angsty to have sex with you."

The fox sniffles (rejection is something he just can't cope with!). "But Hiei, I've confessed my undying devotion to you! I beg of you to reconsider."

"Hn." Translation: "Hm, okay. But I get to be your bitch!"

"Agreed," Kurama says gleefully, "And now I will ditch the whole 'I'm a clingy, femmy crybaby' act and become a complete bondage queen freak! Any problems?"

"Hn." Translation: "Sex me up, you horny fox, you!"

*Sound of whip cracking*

Kurama goes Youko without any reason other than the fact that Youko is an evil sex-fiend, and that always makes the fic *soooo* much hotter. Procedes to do many unmentionable things to Hiei that all involve leather or vibrating motors of some kind. Hiei is, of course, quite vocal and a complete uke throughout the entire thing, blushing and shrieking and just generally sounding like a well-trained whore.

Kurama then f*@%! Hiei, then returns to human form and f*@%! him again. Hiei turns right back around and pounces him, and with an abruptly gathered repertoire of sexual knowledge, proceedes to do !#@^*$#* and *!%%$!^#& to him, neither of which Kurama has demonstrated so far (so how the hell did he learn? The world may never know). Kurama behaves like a total slut, squealing even louder than Hiei ever did because his human form is as close to female as a guy can get without chopping off his penis. O.o

After screaming each other's names about a million times in one hour, the two cuddle like lovesick turtledoves. Hiei is suddenly quite expressive and spills a long, flowery speech about how much he adores his little sex vixen. Much kissy and adoration ensues, until the whole reading world hurls their breakfast pocky as one, so sickened are they by the catastrophic amount of SAP that has occurred here. The lovers fall asleep to dreams of sunshine and neverending fluff, and of dancing hand in hand through a meadow of Makai flowers that Kurama will later use to capture Hiei so he can screw him some more.

Meanwhile, wherever they are, Yusuke is being an asshole, Keiko is being a bitch, Kuwabara is being a drooling idiot, and Koenma is cackling with malicious intent as he tries to think of something deadly and dangerous to toss his minions--er, spirit detectives--into. And somewhere out there a girl named Mary is about to earn herself a sue.

~Owari (the end)~
Hope you enjoyed it (and didn't actually hurl!)