Love Lost, Love Found

2 Moments

To say that his past encounter with the raven hadn’t left him on edge would be a lie. For a whole week after the unexpected meeting he had not been able to sleep a wink. He felt worse than he now appeared, eyes darkly ringed from lack of sleep, his appearance unkempt and disheveled. When a month passed without any sign of the dark bird, only then did he relax enough to have the notion that his weary mind may have been playing tricks on him. He sighed, finishing another mound of homework. Biology. Nothing that he found it too difficult, the botany being the easiest part for him. He shut his massive textbooks, flexing his fingers before stretching. Yawning, he rose from his chair and slouched over to his bed. Again he found himself home alone, which was of no concern to him. He had more privacy for his nightly rituals. Slender fingers deftly plucked a long stem rose from concealing scarlet locks, slowly twirling it and caressing the petals. The thorns pricked the bare flesh of his digits, drawing pinpricks of blood each time. He brought the rose to his face, admiring its beauty and sweet fragrance. Then, with a harsh jerk, he slashed it against his cheek and chest, drawing a thin line of blood. This was his nightly ritual as of late. Stroke after stroke brought trails of the crimson fluid to the surface. The wounds were simple scratches, always completely healed before the next day. It was the sight, smell of the blood and feeling it gave that drew him to do this. A bit invigorating, something different from the light monotony of his daily life. The sting of the scratches reminded him that he was still alive, that he still existed and could feel. A hollow ghost of a laugh breathed from his lips as the sharp thorns made their unique patterns across his exposed skin.

But the tears always seemed to return to him. Even with his nightly reminder, he barely felt like he was living. A shell, cold and devoid of happiness, that’s what he was. The ever-growing amount of tears building in his eyes caused them to burn. He replaced the rose and lied down on his back, bare and exposed to the world, vision blurred. He thought of Hiei. ‘My best friend, or so I thought.’ He hadn’t been able to overcome the feeling of abandonment that Hiei had afflicted him with the month before. He had always looked forward to his irregular visits, him being most of the company he had nowadays. The absence of the Jaganshi had depressed him even more, but the rejection was like a white-hot knife in his heart, irremovable and cooled to the temperature of ice. He sighed, forlornly. Another storm raged outside, much like that very night. Just another reminder.

“Kurama.”

He opened his dulled greens. Someone was calling him?

“Kurama. It’s alright.”

He felt someone lying next to him, curled around him, holding him close. ‘Have I gone crazy? There is no one here’. A tear fell down his cheek. ‘Must my mind torment me like this?’ He felt a hand smoothing down his hair.

“Go away.”

“Is that what you really want?”

“Who are you? What do you want?”

“It doesn’t matter what I want. It’s what you want that matters right now.”

“What I want?”

“That’s right.” He was pulled closer to the stranger who, he could tell, was definitely male. “You know… you’re never alone, Kurama.”

He pushed himself away from the stranger, sitting up. “What is that supposed to mean? Who are you?” He glared at the other, who was still lying in the same place. He watched as the other propped himself up on his elbows.

“…”

“Well?”

“…Don’t you remember me, Kurama?”

“Remember you?”

“Don’t you recognize me? I don’t see how I could have changed much since you last saw me.”

He looked hard at the stranger. ‘I know him? That voice… It is familiar. But, who is he?’ He gasped. He could see the faint flashes of light coming from the window. Normally that wouldn’t be surprising, but he could see it through the other person.

“You. You’re… I can see… through you.”

“That isn’t too surprising, considering...”

The familiar stranger crawled closer, placed his hands on his shoulders, easing him down on his back, and rested on top of him. He could tell that the other was larger than he was, but he was practically weightless. ‘I do know him.’ The storm was still raging outside. Lightning flashed outside, pouring light into the room. He squirmed, trying to get away from the newly revealed visitor.

“No. You… I do know you. But you can’t be who you appear. Karasu… but you died.”

“Mmm… So I did.” Karasu nuzzled against him, burying his unmasked face into his neck. “Kurama. Hiei wronged you all that time ago. You were reaching out to him, but he abandoned you. You mustn’t let him bother you.”

“What would you know of what’s good for me?”

“Much more than you believe.”

A temporary silence came over them. Karasu was lying on top of him and had both of his arms pinned against something, whether it was the bed or his own body. How is he doing this? I shouldn’t be able to have any physical contact with a spirit. Am I dying? Or is Karasu playing some sort of mind game that I cannot comprehend?

“Karasu?”

“Hmm?”

“How are you able to do this?”

“Touch you?”

“Yes.”

Karasu paused, as if giving his response some thought. “When I died, I, of course, no longer had any life energy to sustain a physical form. Therefore, only my spirit remained. But quest class apparitions like myself have a high quantity of spirit energy. Not only that, as you know, demons of my class also retain the ability to create tangible things with our spirit energy. My death had also drained a great portion of my spirit energy as well. So ever since I had died, I have been conserving my strength for the right moment, watching over you at the same time.”

“So you have created a new body for yourself that you sustain with your spirit energy? How is it then that I am able to see through you?”

“Hm. This is not a new body, Kurama. I merely made my spirit a tangible thing. Nothing more. Oddly, tasks like that require a higher amount of spirit energy than if I were creating a object out of nothing.”

“I think I understand. So then this is the right moment to do this?”

“Yes.”

“And you know this because you have been watching me?”

“That’s right.”

“You have always been here?”

“Always. That’s what I meant when I said that you are never alone. Nevermore.” A slight mischievous smile graced Karasu’s lips.

“So that bird was you.”

“Indeed it was. You seemed like you needed something… a little different to distract you that night.”

Another brief period of silence passed over them. Torrents of rain were pounding against the roof and sides of the house, thunder booming outside. Karasu slipped from top of him and rested beside him. He turned on his side to face his raven-haired visitor. He was no longer filled with his initial fear but, instead, it had been replaced with curiosity. He briefly studied his momentary companion. Karasu was right in saying the nothing had changed, minus the obvious lack of a physical form. He was still garbed in his original vampire-like attire, although he lacked his mask. Karasu motionlessly lied curled up beside him, his usually gleaming violet eyes shut. He appeared to be sleeping. He tentatively reached out a hand and brushed away a stray ebony lock from Karasu’s face, only to have his hand captured within Karasu’s. He softly gasped in surprise as violet eyes reopened. Karasu simply gazed at the captive hand and smiled, bringing the palm to his cheek and holding it there, eyes shutting once again. He lightly traced his cheekbone with a finger.

“Karasu, what made this the right moment?”

His eyes reopened once again, this time gazing directly into his own.

“You seemed so very lonely. It appeared that you were trying to reach out to Hiei, but he abandoned you when you needed him most. When I saw your tears, I thought you needed some company.”

“Since when did you care so much for me?”

“I always have, remember?”

An eyebrow quirked in skepticism.

“I don’t recall ever lying to you, Kurama.”

Throughout the finals of the tournament, ever since their first encounter, Karasu had confessed his misplaced feelings of love for him. But, from Karasu, they seemed like just effortless words without a real meaning. Not once did he feel loved. Karasu had haunted his nightmares ever since their fateful encounter, pursuing him, capturing him, coveting him, raping him, killing him. Never really loving him. ‘I suppose they wouldn’t have been nightmares If he had been at all loving in them, now would they?’

“Saying you love someone doesn’t mean that they feel loved, Karasu. You need to show that you love someone as well.”

“I did. You just don’t understand how.”

“You will need to explain that one.”

“I thought so.” Karasu nuzzled into his chest. He was being exceptionally patient with his persistent inquiring and distrust. “I don’t know if you ever found out but the elder of the Toguro brothers’ wish was going to be the deaths of all the survivors of your team. I didn’t have much faith in your team and I didn’t believe that you would win the tournament, so I had decided that you would be better off if I were the one who killed you. I had always felt that if someone whom I cared for was going to be murdered and I was not able to prevent it, it would be better if I were the one who did it. Of course, things didn’t go as planned. I had a great difficulty ending the match. Everyone must have thought I was dragging it out because I was enjoying making you suffer, but that was not really the case. I knew your strength would increase once you transformed into Yoko, but after you reverted back into your human form I realized how much my stalling was torturing you. I was going to end the match, but instead you countered and ended it for me. So… things didn’t really go as planned, you see.”

“It was your some what warped way of protecting me then?”

“That’s right.”

He blinked in puzzlement. Had I been wrong all this time about Karasu? Is he truly not the sadomasochist that I had perceived him to be? Karasu relinquished his hand and reached out with his own, wrapping his arms loosely around him and toying with thin locks of unkempt scarlet between his slender fingers. This time he returned the gesture.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For caring. You’re the first one who has.”

Karasu nestled closer, a muffled “Mmm…” his response. He inhaled deeply before exhaling a content sigh, running his fingers through silken strands of ebony. Karasu released him and slid back on top of his body, bringing them face-to-face.

“Karasu-“

He was silenced by digit lightly pressed against his lips. Karasu’s right hand slipped down to his cheek, the left firmly against his shoulder.

“Does that mean that you have never felt loved?” He leaned a little closer, their noses practically touching. “Shall I be the first to show you?” Karasu closed the gap between then, their lips locking together momentarily. For that brief moment, it seemed that the world had disappeared. He could no longer hear the rain pounding against the house, he no longer saw or heard the explosions of lightning and thunder. The world was gone, but he was not alone. Never alone. It was as if only the two of them existed at that moment. Never alone. Their solitary moment was brief. The world once again came into focus as their lips parted. Hazel green eyes slowly opened, looking deep into violet. Karasu was affectionately caressing his cheek, his slender fingers twirling scarlet tresses. He snaked his arms around Karasu’s larger form, his hands resting against his back, fingers curled in dark fabric. The loving hand wandered behind his head as Karasu trailed tender kisses down his cheek, paying special attention to his jawbone.

“Would you like me to show you how it feels? How it really feels to be loved?”

“…You would do that?”

By now any remaining strength he had retained had faded from his body. His arms had uncoiled from around Karasu’s waist and were now lying limply at his sides.

“Anything for you.”

He could feel tears swelling in his eyes. He was becoming consumed with his returned need.

“Please… show me… I want to feel what it’s like… what it’s like to be loved by someone… by you…”

“If that’s what you desire…” Karasu purred in his ear. Karasu sat up, his left hand moving up his abdomen, his slender fingertips collecting the droplets of sticky blood from his shallow scratches. Karasu resumed tracing the curve of his jaw with kisses, pausing only to indulge his lips in another passionate kiss. Karasu slanted, sliding his tongue into the moist cavern of his mouth and explored deeply, savoring the taste. Karasu broke away to trace the bridge of his nose with the tip of his tongue, next traveled over his temple, and then back down to his neck. His companion continued downward, trailing wet kisses down his neck and chest, lapping at the scratches swirling along his flesh. Karasu paused to nip at his sensitive nipple, it obediently hardening in response. Karasu sucked on it gently at first, then became more urgent, all the while massaging the other neglected nub. He moaned, arching his body closer as Karasu abandoned the stimulated nipples and worked his way down his abdomen, trailing more kisses, pausing only to tease at his belly button with his tongue.

“Oh…”

Karasu moved down even farther, ending his trek along his shaft. He gasped when Karasu consumed his full length and sucked on it fiercely, his expert tongue stroking and encircling his hardening shaft. He was lost in the sensation. Karasu spread his legs more to allow complete access, lovingly caressing the insides of his thighs. He was no longer able to control himself, his body involuntarily attempting to thrust deeper. Karasu gladly took him in all the deeper, humming a passionate melody solely for him. He was being driven wild. His body shuddered and climaxed, Karasu swallowing every drop of his release. Karasu licked him clean, situating himself in a more suitable position as his hands continued to roam about his body.

“Oh god… Karasu…”

“More?”

“Yes… Please… don’t stop.”

“Mm.”

Karasu slid his fingers within his opening, enticing it larger to accommodate him. Karasu massaged gently, searching for the desired spot. His body shuddered and he gasped and moaned loudly when it was found. He looked up at his raven-haired lover, craving him as he seductively toyed with him, entering and exiting his body rhythmically.

“Karasu… Mmm, you’re teasing me...”

Karasu lunged himself in abruptly, causing him to gasp at the sudden intrusion. The pounding rain seemed to change its pace to match Karasu’s steady thrusts. With each tantalizing thrust Karasu plunged deeper and deeper, until finally he arrived again at that tender spot. The pleasure he felt was unparalleled. With each impact waves of pure ecstasy overcame his body. He squirmed and moved with Karasu’s motions, wanting… needing to feel every beat. His body was quivering from exertion and desire as he reached the pinnacle of his pleasure and found release. He fell limp among the tousled sheets, Karasu lying on top of him. Karasu’s hands wandered along his chest, caressing his bare over-sensitized flesh. He lie there for some time, attempting to regain his composure. Karasu nuzzled into his neck, stroking his hair. He smiled. I haven’t felt this content for some time now. He gazed back down at his lover. Karasu. Who would of ever thought that the person I could find comfort in the most would be you. Maybe you’re right; you know what’s good for me more than I believe. He reached down and tenderly stroked Karasu’s back, running his fingers through his dark locks. But how would he have known something about me that even I did not?

“Karasu..?”

“Yes love?”

“You knew how I felt from experience, didn’t you? You feel as forsaken as I do.”

“…Insightful as always. But how do you feel now?” Karasu opened his eyes, returning his gaze. Karasu leaned closer, affectionately kissing him on the lips.

He wrapped his arms around him, holding Karasu’s larger form close, continuing to stroke his back. “Hm. I can’t complain.”

Karasu chuckled. “I hope not.”

There was a brief pause. Karasu merely smiled sweetly at him before snuggling back against his bare body.

“Karasu… Do you still feel unloved?”

“…Should I…?”

“Do you?”

Karasu sighed. “Yes. I do.”

“And yet you love me all the same?”

“Love can be one sided… Just because someone hates me, it doesn’t mean I can’t love him or her all the same. You have always disliked me, but it doesn’t change what I see in you.”

“It shouldn’t be that way.”

“Mm… But that is the way things tend to be.”

He reciprocated Karasu’s sigh. “What is it that you see? Another pretty face? Am I just another porcelain doll for you to play with and admire?”

“You’re more than that…”

“Than what do you see?”

“Well, I would be lying if I said that you didn’t have a beautiful face… but that isn’t all that I see, Kurama.” Karasu softly nuzzled against his cheek. “I admit I am a strong lover of beauty, but when it comes to people… beauty isn’t everything. I favor certain personalities and rare traits. You… your human body is so fragile, and yet… your spirit, your will and determination are so strong. That is just one quality I find so appealing about you.”

“Just one? There are more?”

“Of course. You have an almost unpredictable personality and can be one extreme during one encounter, another the next. You proved that with your matches against Ruto and Touya. With Ruto you were merciless. With Touya you were compassionate and understanding. That’s another thing I enjoy about you. Another is your mind. You’re very wise, you see. I can’t help but enjoy being around someone who can match wits with my own.” Karasu quietly laughed at himself under his breath. “I do enjoy toying with people at times. I can’t help it. I do enjoy having fun. Much like my visit a month ago.”

He smiled. That was exactly how he wanted to be admired. For who he was. ‘I have always been a pretty face to everyone. A quiet one at that, who never complained.’ He gasped out a laugh of his own, holding tight to Karasu, a tear trailing down his cheek. He felt… happy.

“Karasu.”

“Hm?”

“I love you too.”

Karasu looked at him in surprise, his mouth slightly agape. “You do?”

“Mm-hm.”

His raven-haired love smiled back down at him. “You really do?”

“Of course.”

Karasu beamed, and embraced him tightly.

“So… do you still feel unloved?”

“No… Not at all. I feel… happy. So happy.”

“I’m glad.”

Karasu was teary-eyed, yet no tears fell. Karasu stretched luxuriously, sliding himself out from his body. He gasped. He had forgotten that Karasu was still inside of him. It had been a comforting feeling. He felt safe… protected.

“Kurama.”

“Hm?”

“You should get some rest. Tomorrow’s a new day.”

“Yes. I suppose you’re right. Will you stay with me the whole night?”

“Yes.”

“Will you stay with me… forever?”

“I was hoping you would let me. I wouldn’t want any less time than that with you. Now, go to sleep.”

Sleep came surprisingly easy. His body was tired and sore, his mind becoming weary in the fading night and he felt so at ease with Karasu resting on top of him. The storm was abating, the lightning and thunder gone and only a light patter of rain drizzling onto the rooftops.
____________________

Kurama awoke the next morning feeling refreshed. He stretched among the rumpled sheets of his bed before rising to his feet. He ran his fingers through his tousled scarlet tresses as he walked to his nightstand. He smiled at his nude reflection. He looked revitalized and alive, his new appearance reflecting his new feelings. ‘A new day.’ He dawned his close for the day and sat down at his nightstand, brushing through his flame colored hair. He paused and rested against the flat surface, his gaze focused on the reflection in the mirror. Karasu was resting contently on the neglected bedspread, smiling. ‘He seems so happy. He seems as happy as I am. I can’t remember ever feeling this way before…’ He rose to his feet and approached the closed window. ‘Hiei… You should thank Karasu if you are ever to encounter him again. Only he is the reason I can forgive you for that night.’ He spread the curtains and opened the window. The world had reclaimed its vibrant luster, although this luster seemed even more vivid than the original. He continued to smile. ‘Finally… Now I can move on as well…’