FINDING MY WAY HOME

Alright, I know Kurama’s been a bit of a drama queen but, this is how I think he would react to an unplanned pregnancy. Since their lives revolve primarily around each other, adding the element of a child would disrupt that dynamic, upsetting a hormonal fox. Usually I write Kurama accepting the baby and Hiei needing to adjust, this totally reverses that. I hope this chapter explains a few things. Enjoy, and keep those great reviews coming.

Chapter 16

I hated tricking Hiei like that, but he didn’t give me a choice. I really need some time alone to let everything sink in. If he had just left me alone for a little while, I might be headed back to the temple now, ready to go home with him. Instead I’m headed to the city on foot since, Hiei has my car keys. I could have gone to the temple and had someone give me a ride home, but then I still wouldn’t be alone.

As I reach the edge of the city I contemplate changing back to my human form, but I’ve felt so good since changing, I decide to stay a Youko. I get lots of looks and more than a few come-ons as I make my way down the city streets, but I just smile and walk away. It feels good right now to be desired. I know I just found out that I’m pregnant, but I can’t help wonder how it will change the way others see me, especially when right now I don’t think very highly of myself.

As I pass within a few blocks of my mother’s house I consider stopping, but I’m really not ready to talk to her or anyone else right now. Half an hour later I’m standing across the street from the high-rise building we live in and it dawns on me, Hiei has the keys to the apartment too. Looking up, I grin. It’s been a while since I made my way up to the penthouse without use of the elevator.

Going to the end of the block, I look around and wait until the coast is clear. With the aid of a nearby tree, I land on the roof of the deli on the corner. Jumping from roof to roof, in only a few minutes I’m on the roof of the apartment building across from my building. It however is not near the height of my building. Reaching out my ki to a balcony several stories beneath mine, a long vine answers my call and slithers along a cable that runs over the street below.

Once it reaches me, I take hold and jump. With a Tarzan like swing I sail across the street. Before I hit the building, a vine from two stories up meets my waiting hand swinging me higher across the building’s face. A few vines later I land lithely on my balcony. Looking over the railing, I make sure all my pets have returned safely to their hiding places to await the next time I need their assistance.

Glancing briefly at the street far below, I suddenly realize how stupid that was. Risking my own safety is one thing, but I just risked the safety of my unborn child. No matter how I feel about being pregnant, I would never intentionally hurt this child. Vowing to be more careful in the future, I head for the door.

Knowing it’s probably too much to hope that we left it unlocked, I try it any way. Finding it locked, I reach in my hair for a seed. A second later it slithers into the lock and it clicks open. Removing the seed, I open the door and hurry to turn off the alarm. Looking around, I’m glad to be home.

Remembering how I have been feeling lately, I decide an experiment is in order. Moving so I’m standing in front of the sofa I change back to my human form. Almost immediately my head begins to spin. Quickly falling back on the sofa before I fall down, I take several deep breaths until the dizziness subsides a bit. Giving it some consideration I decide to test a theory. As a human living in the Ningenkai, I have always kept tight control of my spirit energy to not attract attention. When in my Youko form however, I relax that hold considerably.

Slowly raising my spirit energy I instantly feel the difference. With a sigh I look down at my stomach. “So Little One, it appears you like the increase in my energy. I’ll keep that in mind.”

I don’t question why I decided to talk to the baby. “Now, what the hell am I supposed to do about you? We didn’t even know about you for an hour and Hiei and I had a big fight. I can’t think about him or what he said right now though, or I just might lose my mind. Nothing personal, but you’re not supposed to be here. I don’t know anything about having a baby. After choosing to be a male, I didn’t pay much attention to that part of my education.”

Rising from the sofa and heading to the kitchen, I’m pleased to feel no sign of my previous dizziness. After taking a minute to wash the dishes Hiei had piled in the sink this morning, I open the fridge. “What do you think Little One, are you hungry? I’m not, but I figure I should eat something for your sake.”

Seeing the leftover fruit from breakfast, I decide that sounds as good as anything. Taking the fruit with me, I walk out to the patio and up to my garden. Sitting in the lush grass nibbling on the fruit I look down at my stomach again. “Do you have any idea how much you are going to disrupt our lives? We’re not prepared for this. I don’t know how to be pregnant and I don’t even want to think about how you’re going to get out of there.”

Looking up at the ski, I sigh. “I’m going to have to redo one of the bedrooms to make you a nursery. I’ll have to kid proof the apartment and train the plants around the balcony to keep you from falling to your death. Not to mention, you’re a demon so we’ll have to spend more time in Makai. That means I’ll have to set up another nursery there. Damn, I wonder how Mukuro will feel about having a child in her fortress. Then there’s my mother. I’m sure she’ll be thrilled, that is after the shock of finding out her son can have a baby wears off.”

Suddenly, I’m feeling overwhelmed. Jumping up, I go inside and wash the empty fruit plate. When my phone rings, it makes me jump. “Minamino.”

“Shuuichi, hi it’s mom.”

Almost relieved to hear her voice, I smile. “Hello Mother. How are you?”

“Oh fine Dear. I was just calling to see if you and Hiei wanted to join your father and me for dinner tonight? I bought a roast and it’s bigger than I thought it was.”

Right now a calm, rational conversation with my parents sounds like just what I need. I know it’s Hiei I really need to talk to, but somehow I think that conversation when it happens will be anything but calm or rational. “I’d love to join you both for dinner. Hiei can’t make it though, he went to Makai earlier.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful. You just come over whenever you’re ready.”

Remembering my car is still at the temple, I chuckle. “Hiei took my car this morning, so it will take me a little time to walk over.”

“Oh Honey no, I’ll send your father to pick you up. When should he be there?”

I glanced at the clock. “I’ll be downstairs in fifteen minutes.”

After hanging up and freshening up, I headed downstairs. Waving at the door man, I walked out to wait for my father. Within minutes he pulled up at the curb. “Need a lift?”

Smiling I hopped in. Conversation was light as we drove, and a few minutes later we were at their house. As usual my mother greeted me with a hug. “Shuuichi, I’m so glad you could join us. I’m sorry Hiei couldn’t make it.”

Giving her a smile I agreed. “Me too Mother. Since I don’t know when he’ll be back, he could pop in at any time.”

For the first time I am secretly hoping he won’t. When he does come, back I’m not sure my parents should be there to witness his anger. “Mother, how soon is dinner? There’s something I’d like to talk to you both about.”

With a curious look she indicated we should have a seat in the living room. “There’s plenty of time Son. Come tell us what’s up.”

Looking at them, I don’t know where to start. Seeing this, my father gave me a reassuring look. “It’s alright Shuuichi. I think after telling us you were a gay demon, you should be able to tell us anything.”

The wicked Youko in me grinned at him, opting for the shock factor instead of tact. “I’m pregnant.”

It worked. My parents were speechless. When they continued to just stare open mouthed at me, I nod. “Unfortunately, that wasn’t a joke. Youko are born with both male and female reproductive systems. We get to choose whether we want to be male or female. By age three I had chosen to be male. Unfortunately when mating season came around a couple months ago, I had lost my memory and didn’t know I needed to take precautions against conceiving.”

It was almost comical watching the expression on my mother’s face change from shock to excitement. I wasn’t surprised when she jumped up to hug me. “Oh Shuuichi, this is so exciting. I never dreamed you and Hiei would ever be able to have a child. I’m so happy for you.”

My father had a much more cautious response. Taking her arm, he pulled my mother back down beside him. “Don’t get too excited yet Shiori. I’m not sure happy is how Shuuichi would describe this news. The boy just used unfortunately twice in one minute.”

Wide eyed, she looked at me. All I could do was sigh. “To say this has been a shock would be an understatement. I didn’t take the news very well. Hiei’s not pleased that I never told him I could have children. We ended up having a big fight and I tricked him into thinking I’d gone to Makai so he’d leave.”

My mother’s expression was serious now. “Do you even want this child Shuuichi?”

I shrugged. “Just because I never wanted a child, doesn’t mean I would do anything to hurt this one. You’d be hard pressed to convince Hiei of that though. We said some things I’m not sure we’ll be able to take back. For the first time in all these years I’m worried about my marriage.”

Sympathetically, she reached out and squeezed my hand as my father spoke. “Shuuichi, you and Hiei love each other very much. This may make the road ahead a little bumpier than you’re used to, but I’ll bet it brings you closer together in the end.”

I tried to smile. “I hope you’re right Father. Right now I’m not looking forward to how pissed he’s going to be when he figures out I’m not in Makai.”

Trying to take my mind off my problem with Hiei, my mother asked more about the baby. “So how have you been feeling?”

I told them about the dizziness and nausea and how much better increasing my spirit energy made me feel. The conversation about what little I know about demon pregnancies and babies continued into dinner conversation. The more we talked about my feeling of inadequacy the better I felt. At least I had them and hopefully Hiei to help me through this.

As we cleaned up after dinner my mother said something that made me feel a lot better. “You know Shuuichi, a lot of what you’ve been feeling lately is probably related to your pregnancy. I know in human women pregnant hormones make us insecure, irrational and generally like we’re out of control. You’ve been describing those feelings ever since your memory returned.”

Realizing how right she was, I smiled and gave her a hug. “Thank you Mother, that does make me feel better. At least now I have a reason for how I’ve been feeling.”

A little while later I told them I’d better get home. When my father dropped me off I half expected to find Hiei waiting for me. I was disappointed to find an empty apartment however. Glancing down at my stomach, I sighed. “Well Little One, it looks like it’s just you and me tonight. I hope you don’t need me to sleep, because that won’t happen until … your daddy comes home.”

Going to the bedroom, I change into a comfortable pair of sleep pants and a t-shirt. Picking up my tablet, I get comfortable on the sofa and pull up a book I’ve been reading. An hour later, realizing I hadn’t read more than a few pages, I set it aside. My thoughts were on the baby, not the book. Curious, I experimentally rest a hand over my stomach and reach out my ki. What exactly I was expecting to feel, I’m not sure, but a moment later I sense the baby’s energy. Startled, I pull my hand away.

Getting up, I head to the kitchen for a drink. Something on the counter caught my eye though and I stopped short. Sitting on the counter was the key to my car. Hiei had been here. Going to the patio door I find it unlocked. Opening it, go out to stand at the railing. “Hiei, are you there?”

Minutes pass, but my mate doesn’t answer my call. Sadly, I turn and go back inside. I don’t know if Hiei will return tonight, but I leave the door unlocked just in case. Though I know I won’t sleep, I set the alarm, turn out the lights and crawl in bed. I’m tired, but as the hours pass I still don’t sleep. Even as dawn approaches, there is still no sign of Hiei. It’s my own fault I’m lying here alone. I asked for this, but of course now that I want him here, he’s granting my request to be left alone.

Abandoning my bed, I head to the kitchen for a drink. Pouring a glass of juice, I start to drink it when something catches my eye. There is a plate in the sink. I washed the dishes earlier, the sink should be empty. Hiei had been here. I didn’t hear the alarm beep that someone had entered while I was in bed, so he must have come while I was at my mother’s. The big question is, is he still here?

Since I know he isn’t in our room, and I doubt he’d spend the night in the library, I head to the spare bedrooms. Since the door to one room is open, I reach for the one that is closed. Sure enough, on one of the twin beds is Hiei. Though his back is to me, I know he’s not asleep as I walk in and sit on the other bed. When he doesn’t turn or acknowledge my presence, I sigh. “I’m really sorry Hiei. I shouldn’t have tricked you into thinking I’d gone to Makai.”

I wait, and eventually Hiei rolls over and sits up. He doesn’t look at me when he responds. “You scared the hell out of me Kurama. With the way you’ve been feeling, you could have been in great danger in Makai. I understand why you did it though. I shouldn’t have pushed you to talk until you were ready.”

I nod. “If it’s any consolation, we figured out that what was causing me not to feel well. I didn’t have any symptoms as a Youko, so I released some of the hold I keep on my spirit energy when I’m human and I feel much better.”

He glances at me. “That’s good. I’m glad Shiori could help you with that.”

I shook my head. “I didn’t say it was Shiori. I meant the baby.”

He looked confused for a moment, but shook it off. “You did go to Shiori’s though. Kurama, why could you talk to her and not me?”

I sigh. “I didn’t just run to her when you left Hiei. I had lots of time to think while I made my way home on foot since you had the car keys. Then I was here alone for a several hours before Shiori called and invited us to dinner. I decided to go so I could tell my parents about the baby. She did help me to understand why I’ve been acting like a crazy person though. Apparently, pregnant hormones can be what’s making me feel so out of control. She said they can make me irrational and insecure and probably every other crazy thing I’ve been experiencing since I got my memory back.”

Though he seemed to be relaxing some, Hiei still remained distant. “That’s all well and fine Kurama, but it doesn’t explain why you won’t talk to me. We have to talk about this baby and what we’re going to do.”

My heart begins to pound and I jump up to pace at the foot of the beds. “No Hiei! I’m not ready for that conversation. Look, I’m scared and confused. I haven’t slept and I can’t handle any more right now. It’s too much too fast and I feel like I’m barely holding it together.”

With a sigh, Hiei nods. “Alright Fox, at least that’s honest. How about we start with something we can fix. Let’s go to our room and get some sleep We could both use it.”

Baby steps, that sounds about my speed right now. “Sleep sounds really good Hiei.”
I lead the way as we go to the bedroom. When Hiei starts stripping, I hesitate. Realizing how ridiculous I’m acting, I pull off my t-shirt and sleep pants then crawl in bed next to him. I want so much to curl up against him and feel his strong arms around him, but I just can’t. As hard as I try not to think of what he said, it’s never far from my thoughts.

Afraid he will see my pain, I turn my back on him. “You won’t sleep if we’re not touching. Will you let me hold you Fox?”

I’ve never been able to resist Hiei’s gentler side. Slowly, I nod. He must have seen, because a moment later he spoons up against my back and carefully puts his arms around me. Squeezing my eyes shut, I take several deep breaths. How can something that feels so good, hurt so much?

I must not have done very well hiding my pain because Hiei’s arms tighten. “I love you Fox. We’ll work this out. Everything will be alright.”

Putting my hands over his, I silently pray to Inari that it’s true. “I love you too Dragon.”

XXXXX

Waking in Hiei’s arms feels so good, for a few minutes I let my mind go blank and just enjoy it. When I start to move away though, his arms tighten. “Don’t go yet Kurama. I love just laying here holding you.”

Nuzzling against him, I nod. “Me too Dragon. I’m sorry I’m making what should be a happy time so hard.”

Hiei kissed my forehead. “I wish I knew what to do to help you Fox, but I can’t help you if you won’t talk to me.”

There was no pressure in his comment. “I’m not ready Hiei. I can’t deal with the consequences of that conversation right now.”

Hiei’s sigh was a bit less patient sounding. “I don’t understand how us talking about our baby can have such dire consequences Kurama.”

Clearly he didn’t understand what he’d done to upset me. Pulling away from him, I sit up. “I know we need to talk Hiei, but one thing at a time. Now, I’m going to take a shower.”

Though getting a few hours sleep felt really good, the hot water from the shower made me feel even better. Taking a few minutes to relax, I let the hot water wash away some of my stress. Only a short time had passed though when Hiei came into the room. “Kurama, Shiori just called. She says she’s on her way over. She want’s to bring us something.”

So much for a long, hot relaxing shower. “Thank you Hiei. I’ll be there in a minute.”

After finishing my shower, I dress quickly. When I enter the living room, Hiei is opening the door for my parents. Each of them is carrying a shopping bag. Seeing me, my mother passes her bag to my father and holds out her arms for a hug. “Shuuichi. Oh honey, I’m sorry we’re barging in on you two like this but your father and I were shopping and I found some things I just had to get you two.”

After being released from her hug, we all take a seat. “You know you’re both always welcome, but you shouldn’t be getting us anything.”

My father chuckled. “You just told her yesterday that she was going to be a grandmother, so of course she had to go shopping today.”

With a feeling of dread I looked at my mother’s smiling face. “I know, it will be months before my grandbaby is here, but I just couldn’t resist.”

Reaching into one of the bags she brought out an extremely small outfit. “I’m sorry Hiei, the only black baby clothes I found was a little tuxedo. I thought this was much cuter.”

It was a little play set in light green with a sprig of roses on the front. Gingerly taking it from her, I watch as she also takes out a tiny pair of baby socks. “Aren’t they just adorable? Honey, I just wanted you to have a little something for the baby.”

Hoping there was no sign of panic in my voice, I smile. “They’re so small.”

Hiei took the tiny socks. “They don’t even look like baby feet will fit.”

My mother giggled. “They stretch Hiei. I promise they’ll fit. Now, I hope you boys don’t think I over stepped on the other things I bought, but when I saw them I just knew they would be perfect for your nursery.”

My father passed her the big bag he had brought in. Out of it she pulled a small quilt which she laid across my lap. My breath caught when I saw it. The background was a light bluish green, with a medium brown border. What made it so remarkable though were the adorable foxes dancing across it. They had big ears, fluffy tails and mischief in their eyes. It was beautiful. I think my mother mistook my silence to mean I didn’t like it. “If you don’t like it we can return it. I realize you might not want to decorate your nursery in foxes, but I…”

Before she could finish, I hug her reassuringly, pinning the quilt between us. “It’s absolutely perfect Mother. I love it.”

She had a big smile on her face. “Oh I’m so glad. Look, there are sheets and two quilted wall hangings of foxes too.”

She was so happy as she pulled more items from the bag. Beside me Hiei was examining one of the fox wall hangings. When he looked up at me there was a little smile on his lips. “Now the baby will be surrounded by foxes when it’s sleeping.”

It was a nice moment, Hiei, my parents and I all talking about the baby like everything was normal. When the doorbell rang, I looked at Hiei curiously. “It’s alright Fox. It must be the food I ordered right before Shiori called. You haven’t eaten all day.”

Going to the door, Hiei paid the door man and returned with a large bag of food. One whiff and I knew it was from the Makai restaurant we both like. Just then my stomach growled noisily making my mother laugh. “It sounds like Hiei knew exactly what his mate and child needed right now. We’ll leave you two to enjoy your lunch.”

As my parents rose, I look at Hiei. Without words he knows what I am asking and nods his approval. “Mother, Father, please stay and join us for lunch. We always order way too much food. It’s from Vic’s, this little Makai restaurant around the corner. The food is wonderful, I think you’ll like it.”

Accepting the invitation, the four of us sat down to eat. The meal turned out to be the most normal feeling thing that had happened since finding out I was pregnant. My parents enjoyed trying the new food. We even talked a little more about the baby. Surprisingly, I wasn’t as uncomfortable with that as I had been. When we finished lunch my parents left.

After we cleaned up, I went back to pick up the quilt. “I can’t believe she found a nursery set with foxes. Do you like it Hiei?”

He looked a bit surprised that I was asking his opinion. “Yes Fox, I do. They look like they’re dancing. Kind of like you do sometimes when you’re playing in your garden.”

I know people don’t see Hiei as a romantic person, but he could say the sweetest things sometimes. I feel good right now, and more in control than I have in weeks. “Hiei, come sit with me.”

Setting the quilt on the coffee table with the other baby things, I turn to him. “Hiei, do you really think I am capable of harming this baby?”

He thought a moment before he answered. “No, not now. Yesterday though, you kept going on and on about how much you didn’t want it, I didn’t know what to think.”

I guess that makes sense. I didn’t handle the news very well. “What about the other thing you said? About taking the baby and going back to Makai?”

Hiei took my hand in his. “It doesn’t matter Kurama. I said that when I thought you didn’t want the baby. You do want it now, don’t you?”

His eyes widen when I pull my hand away. “So if I say I don’t want this baby, you’ll take it and go back to Makai?”

Hiei frowns. “Kurama, is that what’s been upsetting you so much? The fact that I want this child and you don’t?”

My heart aches. “No Hiei, I’ve come to terms with the fact that we’re having a baby. What upsets me is the fact that you chose the child over me. That you said you’d leave me if I didn’t want it. Until yesterday, I would have sworn on my life that you would never put anything before me.”

There was shock on his face as he stared at me. “When the hell did I ever say I would leave you?”

Restless, I get up and go to the window. “When you said you would go back to Makai to raise the child. I don’t live in Makai Hiei. We tried the long distance relationship once, if you’ll recall, it was a disaster.”

It was true. We were miserable being apart, then we’d fight when we were together. It was awful. “Damn it Kurama! You were freaking out! I know you. You were acting like a caged fox and I was giving you a way out.”

Hiei was angry, but trying to control it. He’d risen from the sofa and was pacing now. “You seem to have forgotten something Fox. I’ve been the child no one wanted, thrown away as if I was worthless. My child is never going to feel that way. If you were to decide you don’t want it, yes I would take it away. I would protect it, even from you. That doesn’t mean I would choose our baby over you. Our baby is part of you.”

On some level his words eased some of my fears, but not entirely. “You nailed it Hiei. Caged is exactly how I felt yesterday. I’m glad you want this baby though. and that you would protect it, no matter what. I’m trying to be happy that we’re having a baby, but I can’t help resenting how much it’s coming between us. I still feel like you would put it’s needs before mine, and if it came down to it, I think you would leave me because of it.”

Hiei sighed in frustration. “Kurama, you said you wanted the baby now. That means we’re going to work this out and raise our child together. So there is no point in worrying over something that is never going to happen.”

Not convinced, I shrug. Frustrated, Hiei grabs my arm and pulls me to the sofa. “Kurama, sit down.”

After making me sit, Hiei knelt before me and placed a hand over my stomach. “Kurama that is our child growing inside you, our flesh and blood. I don’t see this as something that will come between us, but something that will bring us closer together. To me, our child will be the only thing in the universe that will be as important to me as you are. ”

Reaching past him, I pick up the little baby outfit, trying to imagine how this small creature could bring us closer together. “I wish I could see it the way you do Hiei.”

Hiei’s eyes soften as he looks at me. “In just a few months you’ll put that silly outfit on our baby and hold it in your arms and you’ll see what I mean. Think of Shiori Fox. She still bares the scars from where she put your needs before her own safety. Yet do you think she loved your father or Kazuya any less because she had you? You’ll feel that way about our child some day.”

Seeing the hope in Hiei’s eyes, I realize this is everything he has ever wanted and everything he never had. Putting my hand over his, I smile. “For you Hiei, I’ll really try. Okay?”

Giving me one of his rare smiles, Hiei nods. “Okay Fox.”