FINDING MY WAY HOME

Well, this chapter had a huge rewrite. The first version was way too happy and lovey for the situation, so I rewrote it. Now it’s a bit sad, but I like it much better. Let me know what you think. Thanks to everyone for the great reviews. Please keep them coming.

Chapter 10

The road was deserted as I left the village and headed towards the city. Trying to distract myself from thinking about my current dilemma, I increase my speed. Without any thought on my part, I take the curves in the road like a pro, shifting and breaking my beautiful high performance Z car at just the right times. Unfortunately, even this reminds me of my memory loss. How could I remember how to drive with such precision, yet not have a single memory of the man I’m suppose to love?

Slowing when I reached the city I don’t want to go to the penthouse. Concentrating on my surroundings, I find familiar landmarks from my trips with Hiei and manage to find Shiori’s house. Not comfortable just knocking and entering the way Hiei does, I ring the door bell. A moment later a man I’ve never met opens the door. “Shuuichi, come on in Son.”

Looking around, I wonder if maybe I’d gotten the wrong house. Seeing my hesitation, the man smiles. “It’s alright Shuuichi, you have the right house. Your mother told me about your memory loss when I got back from my trip. My name is Kazuya Hatanaka, I’m your father. Well, stepfather I suppose, but you’ve always called me Father. Come in, come in.”

Following him to the living room, he gestures for me to have a seat. “Your mother is going to be sorry she missed you. She’s at her ladies club today. I don’t expect her until late. How have you been? Shiori said you went to Makai. Did the trip help your memory.”

He seemed like a nice man, and set me at ease right away. “I’m sorry, I guess I should have called first. My trip to Makai went well. There were a few little things I seemed to remember, but not the huge breakthrough I think Hiei hoped for.”

Kazuya nodded. “Yes, I can imagine this hasn’t been easy on Hiei. He’s so devoted to you. How are you holding up though?”

I shrugged. “Alright I guess. Hiei has been wonderful. I don’t know how he can be so patient with me.”

He chuckled. “That’s easy, he loves you.”

When I looked away the guilt I feel must have showed on my face. “Uh oh. Something is obviously bothering you. Would you like to talk about it?”

Kazuya is my father, maybe he can help. “It’s very apparent that Hiei and I were in love. I don’t think I’m homophobic, but I’m having a little trouble accepting that I was in love with another man. When we were in Makai and I was a Youko, things with Hiei felt more natural. As a human I feel awkward and shy.”

Kazuya studied me a moment. “Let me ask you, as a human, are you attracted to Hiei at all?”

Unable to meet his gaze, I can feel me cheeks warm in a blush. “Yes, I am. Not the raging hormones I felt in Makai, but definitely attracted.”

Looking at him, I see Kazuya smile. “I don’t think you need to worry about being homophobic Shuuichi. From what I’ve heard about Youkos, they are very sensual creatures. It’s natural that as one you would feel what you called ‘raging hormones’. Humans are more emotional creatures. Teenage boys yes, raging hormones. An adult male looking at his forever partner however is going to want a relationship based on more than just sex.”

I smiled at his comparison of teenage boys and Youkos. “I think I see what you’re saying. As a human I want more than just physical attraction to the man I’m suppose to spend the rest of my life with.”

He nodded. “Basically, I think you just need to get to know each other again.”

I’m glad I confided in him. Though I’m still skeptical, I do feel much better. “I hope you’re right. Thank you. This talk has helped a lot. I feel bad that Hiei’s lost the man he loves and I want to give him back, but I need to do that at a pace I’m comfortable with.”

Kazuya reached out and patted me on the shoulder. “I’m glad I could help. Now go home and talk to Hiei. You’re not going through this alone you know. He’d move the sun and moon for you, so don’t be afraid to confide in him.”

Bidding him goodbye, I get back in the Z and head for the penthouse. I thought I was lost at one point, then saw the building in the distance, and managed to find my way there. After parking the car, I head up in the elevator. When I unlock the door to the apartment and find the alarm set, I know Hiei isn’t there. I key in the alarm code, then drop my keys and cell phone on the table and kick off my shoes.

Walking through the apartment the first thing I do is open the patio door. I’m not sure why, but I know the door needs to be open for Hiei. Is that a glimmer of a memory, or just being with him nonstop for almost two weeks? I wish I knew.

For the next few hours I wander around the apartment, I poked around on my desk, I tried to read, I stuck my head in the fridge a few times and wait for Hiei. It’s dark out now and there is still no sign of him. I think about going to bed, but I know from experience that I won’t sleep without him.

Frustrated, I get my cell phone to see if I have a number for him. Having never seen him with a cell phone, I’m not surprised when I find a number for everyone but Hiei. Tossing the phone aside, I go out on the terrace. Standing at the edge of the railing I look out over the city. Looking out at the lights I sigh. “Damn it Hiei, where are you?”

Less than a minute later I feel the plants from the rooftop garden reacting to something. Closing my eyes, I try to interpret their song. Hiei. They’re telling me Hiei is here. I don’t move, and a moment later he is standing beside me. “I’m right here Kurama.”

I nod but don’t look at him. When we stood there in silence for some time, I realize it will have to be me that breaks the silence. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left like that.”

Hiei grunted. “You’re damn right you shouldn’t have taken off like that. Without your memory you are unfamiliar with your surroundings and could have gotten lost. You were upset and racing around those curves like a crazy person. Anything could have happened to you.”

I’m getting as annoyed as he is. This isn’t how I wanted this conversation to go. “I drove to the temple, I think I could find my way home. And I’ll have you know my pretty Tenshi and I handled those curves like a pro.”

Leaning against the railing, Hiei crossed his arms over his chest. “I noticed. It’s amazing that you can forget every one you’ve ever met, but can remember how to drift.”

I frowned. “Drift?”

He nodded. “The way the car drifted sideways around the curves. It’s called drifting.”

I suddenly realized what he said. “Wait! You followed me?”

He gave an annoyed look. “Of course I followed you. I saw when you got disoriented after leaving Shiori’s too, so regardless of what you think, you could have gotten lost. It’s a big, over crowded city, anything could have happened.”

I sighed in frustration. “I realize that Hiei, but I’m a grown man, I think I can take care of myself. I know you’re trying to protect me, but you’re going to have to let me get lost, or make a few mistakes. You can’t watch over me every minute.”

Hiei leveled his gaze on me. “Yes I can. You are my mate and I will protect you.”

Realizing we were at an impasse, I decided to change the subject. “Do you even want to know what happened at Shiori’s or did you spy on me there too?”

He huffed. “I don’t spy on you. All I know is that Shiori wasn’t there and that you talked to Kazuya.”

Deciding that was the closest he was going to show to curiosity, I continued. “I know that’s weird since I just met the man, but he said he was my father and he was really easy to talk to. I hope you’re not upset that I confided in him, but I didn’t know how to talk to you about what I’ve been feeling.”

The look on his face clearly said he was upset. “You can talk to me about anything Kurama.”

I nodded. “I know, but this was different. Hiei, I’m going to be honest with you. I’ve been having doubts that I can accept being in a relationship with another man. Things between us were so easy in Makai, but here, I’m… I don’t know… nervous about us being together.”

Hiei stiffened and turned away . Taking his arm, I pulled him back around. “No Hiei, don’t turn away from me. You have to listen, because I need you to understand. Kazuya pointed out that humans have different emotional needs than Youko. Apparently it’s in my nature as a Youko to be okay with being lovers without being in love.”

Beneath my fingers I could feel Hiei’s tense muscles. “As an adult human, looking for a relationship with my forever partner, apparently I want more than just physical relationship. Hiei, I want to give you back your mate, but I need time to see if I can adjust to all of this.”

Hiei looked hurt. “I didn’t think I was rushing you Kurama.”

I shook my head. “No Hiei, you aren’t. You’ve been very patient, but this is hard. I’m two weeks into a relationship that you’ve been in for years. Hopefully, if I just relax and let things progress naturally, we’ll end up at the same place.”

Hiei nodded. “Since we’re being honest, when you left, I thought you were regretting last night and that you were going to leave me.”

My heart ached that one simple action on my part could hurt him so much. “No Hiei, I don’t regret last night. I’m just more inhibited as a human, and this demon/human thing is all really confusing. If it helps, even as a human I am attracted to you. Kazuya pointed out that at least that means I’m not homophobic.”

With a half attempt at a smile, Hiei grunted. “Hn. Well, that’s a start. Are you hungry? Dinner last night was a long time ago.”

I’m grateful for the change of subject as my eyes widened in concern. “Didn’t you eat at the temple? Oh yeah, you followed me.”

Leading me inside, Hiei goes to one of the drawers in the kitchen and pulls out some papers. “We haven’t been shopping and we’ve gone through all the stuff in the freezer, so it’s takeout tonight. Here, this is one of our favorites.”

He hands me a paper menu and the phone from the kitchen counter. I look the menu over and frown. “I don’t even know what these dishes are and I don’t know what we like.”

I see he is opening a bottle of wine. “Just call the number, tell them who you are and that you want our regular order delivered.”

Picking up the phone I dial the number, then cover the receiver to whisper. “Kurama or Shuuichi?”

He said “Kurama” just as a man answered the other end. Doing just as Hiei said, I told him my name and that I wanted to place an order. The man knew me right away and asked if I wanted our regular order before I could even tell him. As I hung up, Hiei handed me a glass of wine. “That was easy. He said it would be about forty minutes. Will he bring it all the way up here? How do we pay for it?”

Hiei was sitting on the sofa. “One of the doormen downstairs will pay him and bring it up. I’ll take care of it when he gets here. You keep cash in table by the door to pay and tip the doormen when they delivers things for us.”

I couldn’t help but sigh in frustration. “Hiei, why is my memory so hit and miss? I remember meaningless things, like how to drift, but not how to order and pay for take out. I want to remember the important things like you and my family and friends. I know the other stuff is not all meaningless, like Mukuro, Yomi and Kuro, but none of that is as important as you.”

Hiei looked like I’d just hit him. “When did you remember Kuro?”

At first I don’t understand, then I remembered saying Kuro with Mukuro and Yomi just now. “I don’t know, it just came out.”

Taking my wine glass Hiei set both glasses on the table. Then he took my hand and led me to the bedroom. Standing in front of the dresser, he picked up a square wooden box. I remember seeing it there, but didn’t know what it was. “This is your treasure box. Here, open it.”

When he handed me the box, it looked like a solid wooden block, and I didn’t see a way to open it. Then suddenly I just knew. Setting it on the dresser, I pressed on top on both back corners. There was a click and the top popped up. Pleased with myself I grinned at Hiei. Opening the lid, there are several things cluttering he compartment inside. The one that caught my eye though was a pendant.

Picking it up I examine it closer. The pendant is an intricate spiral cage encasing a beautiful jewel in the shape of a perfect sphere. “I was wearing this the day I woke without my memory. I took it off to take a shower and forgot about it. You must have put it away for me. The way you’re looking at me, I’m guessing you gave it to me.”

Hiei nodded. “Yes.”

I could tell from the tone of his voice that he’s disappointed I don’t remember. Reaching up, I remove the ruby necklace and put Hiei’s on. “It’s beautiful Hiei.”

He seemed sad all of a sudden. “Now close the lid and open the bottom compartment.”

Doing as he said, I close the lid and begin to examine the box again. Going on instinct alone, I press my fingers into the sides in the back at the bottom and hear another click. This time a small drawer popped out of the front of the box. Pulling it out I’m stunned to see a gorgeous ruby pendant. I don’t have to look at the one I got in Makai to know it is eerily similar. The one in the treasure box is bigger and of much better quality though.

Staring at it, I get a similar feeling to the one I had when I saw the ruby pendant I got at the jewelry store in Makai. It’s as if I’m being drawn to it. Reaching out, I want to touch it, but I can’t bring myself to do it. My chest tightens and it hurts to breath the closer my hand gets. The feeling is so upsetting I pull my hand away and take a step back. I can’t bring myself to look away from the pendant though. “Hiei, why can’t I touch it? It hurts to even look at it, but I can’t look away. Who’s pendant is that?”

Hiei moved in front of me and closed the treasure box. With his hand on my chin, he forces me to look at him. “It was Kuronue’s. Do you remember anything about him Fox?”

Kuronue. I shake my head. “Feelings more than memories. Looking at the pendant I felt lost, alone… grief stricken. You said ‘was’ Hiei. Kuronue is dead isn’t he? That’s why his name makes me sad. What was he to me Hiei?”

When he turned away, I followed Hiei to the living room and sat on the sofa. Hiei handed me my wine glass. “Many years ago, long before we met, Kuronue was your partner… and your lover. The two of you were escaping from a fortress you had just robbed when the chain broke on that ruby pendant. Kuronue turned back to get it and he was killed. Over the years I’ve seen you open your treasure box many times to look at the pendant, but I’ve never seen you touch it.”

I took a long drink of my wine. “No, it was painful to look at, I don’t think I could touch it. He was tall, with long black hair like Yomi’s. He was much better looking though, with beautiful laughing indigo eyes. He had wings too, big black ones. Wow, that was the most detailed memory I’ve had yet.”

Just then the doorbell rang. Beside me Hiei almost jumped up to get the door. Damn, why do I remember this long dead lover with such detail but not a single memory of my mate?

Turning my attention back to Hiei, I watch him pay the bellman and bring in a bag of food. Going to the kitchen, I get two plates and join him at the table. As Hiei dishes out the food, I can tell it is similar to the food we had at Mukuro’s. Trying to break the awkward silence we’ve fallen into, I give him a little smile. “It smells good.”

Knowing his thoughts were probably similar to my own, I’m not surprised when he just nods. With a sigh, I retrieve our wine glasses and the bottle of wine. Seated at the table, we eat in silence for a few minutes before I can’t take it any more. “Look Hiei, I don’t like this any more than you do. I wish I could explain why I can remember this Kuronue person but not you, but I can’t. Maybe you should just use that eye thing of yours to bring my memory back and get this over with.”

Even before he spoke I knew what his answer would be. “Damn it Kurama, it’s not that simple. I could hurt you with the Jagon. Just the fact that you’re remembering anything means there’s a chance all your memory will return on it’s own. We just have to be patient.”

Sadly, I look at him. “I know, I just wish I had at least one memory of you.”

Having lost my appetite, I take my plate, pick up the bag with the leftovers and head to the kitchen. It isn’t long before Hiei joins me. Like mine, his food is barely touched. We both scrape our plates off into the trash, then do the dishes in silence. As I put the leftovers and the wine away, Hiei goes around closing up the apartment for the night. Glancing at the clock, I realize it’s almost midnight.

Following Hiei into the bedroom, I see he’s already stripped down to his under shorts and headed to the bathroom. After undressing, I take my turn in the bathroom before joining Hiei in bed. Since waking without my memory, bedtime has been awkward for me. After spending most of the evening arguing, tonight is the worst though. I don’t think Hiei truly understands what it’s like to need to sleep in the arms of a total stranger, no matter how attractive I find him. If I had just one memory of him, maybe all of this would be easier.

Wanting to try and make this better, I turn to face him. When he continues to stare at the ceiling, I reach out and gently touch his arm. Even in the dark I can see him squeeze his eyes shut and take a deep breath. Suddenly I’m reminded, this is hard on him too. Softly I whisper. “Hiei? Are we going to be okay?”

Slowly he turns to look at me. “That’s something you’ll have to tell me Kurama.”

It’s strange that such simple words can hurt me. I may not remember loving this man, but in less than two weeks, I’ve grown to care for him more than I’d realized. “I think we will be.”

It must have been the right answer, because he raised his arm in a silent invitation to move closer. As his arm slips around me it amazes me that such a simple gesture can lift some of the weight from my heart. Almost eagerly I cuddle against him and rest my head on his shoulder and I realize it’s the first time we’ve touched since returning to the human world.

I’m immediately reminded of how wonderful it felt after we made love in Makai. It feels like ages ago now, but it was just last night. After we made love I felt so connected to him. I understood why I had bound myself to him. Right now is the closest I’ve had as a human to that feeling. Why was all this so much easier as a demon? Afraid dwelling on it would ruin the feeling, I push the question aside.

Wanting relieve some of the stress I know I put Hiei through today, I lift my head and gently kiss his cheek. “I’m sure everything will work itself out. Let’s get some sleep. Good night Hiei.”

With my head settled on his shoulder again and my arm resting across his chest I felt Hiei sigh. As he exhaled, I could almost feel him relax. A moment later his arm tightened around me. “Good night Fox.”