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November 22, 2006 at 12:00 AM
to as true i don't get it
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December 9, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Keiko is dead thats so awesome!! well not if you like her but i dont so go you!!! *throws cookie* i liked it hope you continue!!!
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November 9, 2005 at 12:00 AM
I thought long on and hard on this story. I really did.
I couldn't possibly give you an honest opinion on this. You wouldn't want it anyway. The most that I'm going to say that is you could make paragraphs and throw in more description of the setting and characters— maybe even tell us what exactly is going on in this demeaning one-shot.
PARAGRAPHS:
When Hojo looked up he saw a young man with dishwasher blonde hair. He was in jeans and a hoody. As he walked closer you could see a glint of metal in his hand. When Hojo looked closer ha saw that it was a kudachi. Hojo saw an evil glint in this man’s eyes as he walked closer to Keiko.
“Who are you and what do you want?” Hojo screamed in fear.
“I am Hennajin and I want her death. She has defiled the meaning of man.” The man spoke in a cold yet calm voice.
Hojo ran in front of Keiko who was still screaming in pain and insanity. “I won’t let you kill Keiko. She has done nothing.”
“Then you shall die with the one you so dearly love. Only a fool could love this menace.”
See how easy it to use paragraphs? I'm not going into characterization because both you and I know what's wrong here.
I couldn't possibly give you an honest opinion on this. You wouldn't want it anyway. The most that I'm going to say that is you could make paragraphs and throw in more description of the setting and characters— maybe even tell us what exactly is going on in this demeaning one-shot.
PARAGRAPHS:
When Hojo looked up he saw a young man with dishwasher blonde hair. He was in jeans and a hoody. As he walked closer you could see a glint of metal in his hand. When Hojo looked closer ha saw that it was a kudachi. Hojo saw an evil glint in this man’s eyes as he walked closer to Keiko.
“Who are you and what do you want?” Hojo screamed in fear.
“I am Hennajin and I want her death. She has defiled the meaning of man.” The man spoke in a cold yet calm voice.
Hojo ran in front of Keiko who was still screaming in pain and insanity. “I won’t let you kill Keiko. She has done nothing.”
“Then you shall die with the one you so dearly love. Only a fool could love this menace.”
See how easy it to use paragraphs? I'm not going into characterization because both you and I know what's wrong here.
schedule
November 9, 2005 at 12:00 AM
cool story
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November 9, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Er..the sword you're thinking of is called a 'kodachi'. And...the story would have been interesting to read were it not so rushed and thrown together.