schedule
October 6, 2005 at 12:00 AM
I like this story!!! Keep on writing!
I have enjoyed all your stories.
I think you are doing great with
your speling and grammer. It
Takes time to learn . Keep
up the good work.
I have enjoyed all your stories.
I think you are doing great with
your speling and grammer. It
Takes time to learn . Keep
up the good work.
schedule
September 26, 2005 at 12:00 AM
this is very amusing. i really like it. though i have to ask. english isn't your first language is it? it still very well written if ackward in some ways when reading it.
i hope you keep it up. i'm interested in seeing who comes out on top. :)
sincerly
mica
i hope you keep it up. i'm interested in seeing who comes out on top. :)
sincerly
mica
schedule
September 21, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Hiei's gonna get even!! How will he lure Shizuru into his web I wonder? I'm still trying to decide who I feel sorrier for...they both kinda deserve the others wrath... oh well. kudos i love it!! More please ^_~
schedule
September 21, 2005 at 12:00 AM
You sent three chapters? Hehehehe well I didn't get them so can you send them again. I also have a yahoo account if you want to send them there. oxford_cat_crimson@yahoo.com. I'm glad you want me to help. ^^ I like being a beta. Well anyways great two chapters and update soon this story is going great!!
-InTheShadows.
-InTheShadows.
schedule
September 20, 2005 at 12:00 AM
""I will try to kill the worst errors out of them myself. Even I can see them now, oh what a shame!""
Do not be shamed, Suryallee. You have come a long way in a short time. Your ffist few stories were filled with errors, those were to be expected from someone who speaks English as a second (or third of some people) language.
I can tell the difference in this chapter, You are learning and trying. Unlike many other people that post their stories, you actually try and fix the mistakes, making your stories better as you go.This effort shows that you care about your stories, that you actually take pride in them. Keep up the effort, it's paying off.
Let just say this, some of us who grew up speaking and writting English still amke mistakes. I had to try three times to spell language LOL
and re-reading this review before I posted it, I found several mistakes -___-'
Even though there are still some minor mistakes, I am still going to give 5+'s for the effort and care you give your stories.
The following is NOT flames, but I wanted to show some of the main mistakes made, so you know what to correct when readers say there was some mistakes.
Ch 1=
"To say that Shizuru Kuwabara was an aggressive person was big lye."
That should be lie. To lie is tell a fib, a false truth. Lye is an ingerient for making soap.
"It was even not the first time that Hiei had gone that fare to make advertences on her brother."
I had to think on this sentence to try to figure out what was meant. I can see that 'fare' should be 'far'. But what is "advertences"??
I went over things and came back to it, did you mean advances? If so, then the sentence would sound and look better as=
"It was not the first time that Hiei had gone that far to make advences on her brother."
Ch. 2
"The female human watched with a certain glint of delight in her eyes, her pray step without any hesitation into his misery!"
?? Okay I could understand the first half of the sentence but after the comma, I got lost and had to re-read it.
Did you mean prey, as that which is hunted? Pray is to offer prayers to a deity or gods. If so then it woued sound better as=
"her prey stepped without any hesitation into his misery" or 'her prey stepped into his misery without any hesitation'
"What the sly female told her, made Genkai curios about certain things."
Curios is spelled curious. Don't feel bad about this, I cheated and looked up how to spell it. I knew that it didn't llok right but to make certain of it's spelling, I cad to look it up in a dictionary.
"The old woman had known about Hiei's behave against his former teammate."
Behave is spelled correctly but the corect word for this sentence should be behavior.
"That Hiei had taken a step too fare...." Again that should be far.
"Same one had dared two days ago to tread him to hit the Kuwabara boy ever again!"
??? Okay this sentence isn't clear what it should mean, after reading it several times and the following sentences, I am grasping at straws that Kurama threatened Hiei not to hit the Kuwabra ever again. am I right or is that far off?
--------------------------------------
Okay you get the picture of some mistakes and how to fix them. Now let me say what I really liek about this story.
Hehe I like how Shizuru played dirty to Hiei and how hiei finally figured it out and plans on getting revenge...by saying he wants her as a mate. From his thoughts , he really is attreacted to Shizuru. So finding out that she plotted against him has only streaghtened his attraction.
Thank you for saying that Hiei was rutting instead of saying in heat. Gah, I hate it when i read a story that says a male is in heat. I would think inleligent people would know females go into heat while males go innto rut.
Was the time Hiei was in rut when he nearly raped Kazuma?
Do not be shamed, Suryallee. You have come a long way in a short time. Your ffist few stories were filled with errors, those were to be expected from someone who speaks English as a second (or third of some people) language.
I can tell the difference in this chapter, You are learning and trying. Unlike many other people that post their stories, you actually try and fix the mistakes, making your stories better as you go.This effort shows that you care about your stories, that you actually take pride in them. Keep up the effort, it's paying off.
Let just say this, some of us who grew up speaking and writting English still amke mistakes. I had to try three times to spell language LOL
and re-reading this review before I posted it, I found several mistakes -___-'
Even though there are still some minor mistakes, I am still going to give 5+'s for the effort and care you give your stories.
The following is NOT flames, but I wanted to show some of the main mistakes made, so you know what to correct when readers say there was some mistakes.
Ch 1=
"To say that Shizuru Kuwabara was an aggressive person was big lye."
That should be lie. To lie is tell a fib, a false truth. Lye is an ingerient for making soap.
"It was even not the first time that Hiei had gone that fare to make advertences on her brother."
I had to think on this sentence to try to figure out what was meant. I can see that 'fare' should be 'far'. But what is "advertences"??
I went over things and came back to it, did you mean advances? If so, then the sentence would sound and look better as=
"It was not the first time that Hiei had gone that far to make advences on her brother."
Ch. 2
"The female human watched with a certain glint of delight in her eyes, her pray step without any hesitation into his misery!"
?? Okay I could understand the first half of the sentence but after the comma, I got lost and had to re-read it.
Did you mean prey, as that which is hunted? Pray is to offer prayers to a deity or gods. If so then it woued sound better as=
"her prey stepped without any hesitation into his misery" or 'her prey stepped into his misery without any hesitation'
"What the sly female told her, made Genkai curios about certain things."
Curios is spelled curious. Don't feel bad about this, I cheated and looked up how to spell it. I knew that it didn't llok right but to make certain of it's spelling, I cad to look it up in a dictionary.
"The old woman had known about Hiei's behave against his former teammate."
Behave is spelled correctly but the corect word for this sentence should be behavior.
"That Hiei had taken a step too fare...." Again that should be far.
"Same one had dared two days ago to tread him to hit the Kuwabara boy ever again!"
??? Okay this sentence isn't clear what it should mean, after reading it several times and the following sentences, I am grasping at straws that Kurama threatened Hiei not to hit the Kuwabra ever again. am I right or is that far off?
--------------------------------------
Okay you get the picture of some mistakes and how to fix them. Now let me say what I really liek about this story.
Hehe I like how Shizuru played dirty to Hiei and how hiei finally figured it out and plans on getting revenge...by saying he wants her as a mate. From his thoughts , he really is attreacted to Shizuru. So finding out that she plotted against him has only streaghtened his attraction.
Thank you for saying that Hiei was rutting instead of saying in heat. Gah, I hate it when i read a story that says a male is in heat. I would think inleligent people would know females go into heat while males go innto rut.
Was the time Hiei was in rut when he nearly raped Kazuma?
schedule
September 20, 2005 at 12:00 AM
ew!!! So evil!! I love it! Shizuru's gona get it!!! Not good to mess with Hiei!!! tsk tsk tsk they're both in for the ride of their lives!! kudos can't wait for more!!
schedule
September 20, 2005 at 12:00 AM
The baby´s are alive, yes?
Joke, hope you had a nice time there, I love baby´s!!!
Joke, hope you had a nice time there, I love baby´s!!!
schedule
September 20, 2005 at 12:00 AM
I'm confused to the lines that said=
"Some important things about yokai and their families, including himself and Kurama too, that Hiei thought the human fighter deserved to know.
After all he never told the oaf why that all has happened to him.
And why his people, the demons sometimes reacted to Kuwabara Kazuma the way they did it all the time."
Can you go into detail here? What 'importatnt things' were told? Why and how did the demons act towards Kazuma?
Or do I have to wait for a chapter to reveal it??
"Some important things about yokai and their families, including himself and Kurama too, that Hiei thought the human fighter deserved to know.
After all he never told the oaf why that all has happened to him.
And why his people, the demons sometimes reacted to Kuwabara Kazuma the way they did it all the time."
Can you go into detail here? What 'importatnt things' were told? Why and how did the demons act towards Kazuma?
Or do I have to wait for a chapter to reveal it??
schedule
September 20, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Yes, Katzztar chan, I fear you have to wait for the next chapter.
Sorely as it is, I will explain the things in it more, but not all.
Sorely as it is, I will explain the things in it more, but not all.
schedule
September 18, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Get him Shizuru! He needs a butt-whooping! *calms down* Hi Suryallee! I was babysitting at my older sister's house and they didn't have internet access so I couldn't review ealier.