schedule
November 5, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Hmmm.... Interesting.... There aren't really a lot of fics that center around those two. I think you portrayed Hiei nicely. ^_^
schedule
September 19, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Aside from having a bad voice actor, Hiei should consider that we know Kuwabara when he's 14-16 and what goes on with boys at about that age? P-U-B-E-R-T-Y! Anyway, Kuwabara would definately grow out of that voice once he physically becomes a man.
schedule
September 18, 2004 at 12:00 AM
well. . . the letter turned out very nice. i can actually see Hiei writing something like that. however, the rest of the story had horrible formatting. it was very hard to read. a little advice: when someone else beginlkinlking start a new paragraph, even if the paragraph before it is only a sentence. Here is an example(i'm writing it on the spot so there will be spelling errors and such)
Red eyes narrow, "Baka."(names aren't alwaycesscessary. in fact reading 'Hiei said this then whoever said that and then Hiei responded' gets rather boring. intersperce 'so and so said something' with descriptions of actions that give clues to how the speaker is feeling/talking)
"Don't call me that, you shrimp!" (now usually it's best to give clues as to who is speaking but if it is obvious you can have an occasional sentence of dialogue like this)
The small form leans against the wall, arms crossing in front of his chest, "I can do whatever I want, human. Now leave, you annoy me with your idiocy."
"Hiei--!" Fists clench, small pops sounding as knuckles crack, "Knock it off! I'm sick of being treated like this!" One fist finds its way into the wall next to a delicate looking cheek.
Hiei smirks, small fingers brushing over high cheekbones and through stray curls escaped from hardened gel, "Then make me change my opinions of you, oaf. Not that a worthless human could ev---!"
A shaky breath escapes moist and kiss swolen lips, "Sorry, Hiei, I didn't mean. . . Got you to shut up though." (sometimes, ok most of the time, its better to actually describe what's taking place but every once and a while it's better to just describe the afteh ofh of an action and leave the audience guessing as to what exactly just went on. note that i didn't say what just happened. there should be ample clues to what happened, there just doesn't need to be concrete descriptions like 'Their lips crushed together in a hasty kiss.' or something.)
"Ku-Kuwabara? How dare you?!"
Kuwabara takes a steck, ck, slipping unconsciously into a defencive stance, "I said I was sorry, alright?! I didn't mean. . ." He trails off abruptly, "You. . . You said my name? I. . ." A brilliant smile slowly tugs up the corners of his mouth, "Thank you, Hiei. Who knew a. . ."
Hiei steps forward with a growl, true emotions betrayed by the tentitive yet genuine smile forming on his lips, "Shut up, ba-Kuwabara. Who said you could stop? I find. . . I quite enjoy your taste." His smile becomes devious at the other boy's scarlet blush and he dashes forward in a blurring move, laughing at the startled yelp and subsequent gasp of pleasure.
***
See how much easier it is to read when things are broken up? If you were o bao back and fix the ending this would become a truly adorable little venture into Hiei/Kuwabara. oh and the author's notes within my little example? they are only there because this bit was intended to show various techniques in writing. i put them in so you could have explanations right next to the examples. In a real story such notes are a very, very bad idvirtvirtual suicide.
anyway i do hope to see more of this (with proper formatting, i beg you!). I'll be going now. If you have any questions, comments or you want someone to read over corrections or continuations to this story before you post, I have left me email above.
ja ne!
Red eyes narrow, "Baka."(names aren't alwaycesscessary. in fact reading 'Hiei said this then whoever said that and then Hiei responded' gets rather boring. intersperce 'so and so said something' with descriptions of actions that give clues to how the speaker is feeling/talking)
"Don't call me that, you shrimp!" (now usually it's best to give clues as to who is speaking but if it is obvious you can have an occasional sentence of dialogue like this)
The small form leans against the wall, arms crossing in front of his chest, "I can do whatever I want, human. Now leave, you annoy me with your idiocy."
"Hiei--!" Fists clench, small pops sounding as knuckles crack, "Knock it off! I'm sick of being treated like this!" One fist finds its way into the wall next to a delicate looking cheek.
Hiei smirks, small fingers brushing over high cheekbones and through stray curls escaped from hardened gel, "Then make me change my opinions of you, oaf. Not that a worthless human could ev---!"
A shaky breath escapes moist and kiss swolen lips, "Sorry, Hiei, I didn't mean. . . Got you to shut up though." (sometimes, ok most of the time, its better to actually describe what's taking place but every once and a while it's better to just describe the afteh ofh of an action and leave the audience guessing as to what exactly just went on. note that i didn't say what just happened. there should be ample clues to what happened, there just doesn't need to be concrete descriptions like 'Their lips crushed together in a hasty kiss.' or something.)
"Ku-Kuwabara? How dare you?!"
Kuwabara takes a steck, ck, slipping unconsciously into a defencive stance, "I said I was sorry, alright?! I didn't mean. . ." He trails off abruptly, "You. . . You said my name? I. . ." A brilliant smile slowly tugs up the corners of his mouth, "Thank you, Hiei. Who knew a. . ."
Hiei steps forward with a growl, true emotions betrayed by the tentitive yet genuine smile forming on his lips, "Shut up, ba-Kuwabara. Who said you could stop? I find. . . I quite enjoy your taste." His smile becomes devious at the other boy's scarlet blush and he dashes forward in a blurring move, laughing at the startled yelp and subsequent gasp of pleasure.
***
See how much easier it is to read when things are broken up? If you were o bao back and fix the ending this would become a truly adorable little venture into Hiei/Kuwabara. oh and the author's notes within my little example? they are only there because this bit was intended to show various techniques in writing. i put them in so you could have explanations right next to the examples. In a real story such notes are a very, very bad idvirtvirtual suicide.
anyway i do hope to see more of this (with proper formatting, i beg you!). I'll be going now. If you have any questions, comments or you want someone to read over corrections or continuations to this story before you post, I have left me email above.
ja ne!
schedule
September 18, 2004 at 12:00 AM
*squeeeeeeal*
Oh that was great :o
Kuwabara fics are my newest thing and my favorite now. I was expecting the whole Kurama and Hiei thing, then as I read the letter I realized that was definitely -not- Kurama in mention. Hiei's response was about what I expected, but I felt bad for him, getting teased just when he thought he was ready to come on out and admit what he felt. I think anyone would have lost their nerve.
Oh that was great :o
Kuwabara fics are my newest thing and my favorite now. I was expecting the whole Kurama and Hiei thing, then as I read the letter I realized that was definitely -not- Kurama in mention. Hiei's response was about what I expected, but I felt bad for him, getting teased just when he thought he was ready to come on out and admit what he felt. I think anyone would have lost their nerve.